On the Eve of 2011

I can't believe 2010 is coming to a close. In some ways this year has been interminably long and in other ways I'm flabbergasted that today is already the final day of the year. I can't say that I'm sad to see 2010 come to an end. It hasn't been the best year for me and I really am looking forward to the possibility that 2011 will be a vast improvement. But it was a jam-packed year and I have learned so many things in the past 365 days, about life, about living, about happiness, about myself. To me, happiness is what life is all about. Therefore, even though 2010 was a bumpy, pothole-filled road, I am thankful to have made my way through it and have had the experiences, growth, and opportunities that it brought me.

The past few days I have been looking back on 2010 and forward to 2011. I found the New Year's Quiz below at All and Sundry's blog and thought it would be a lovely way to commemorate my thoughts on the year just passed and on the year coming up.

Please feel free to copy/paste for yourself! If you do post this on your own blog, will you post a link to your entry in the comments on All and Sundry's blog? She’d love to see what you have to say about your 2010. You should also read her blog once you're there . . . she's amazing and funny and smart and always a great read. You can also link your entry in the comments here if you'd like ~ in fact I would appreciate it if you did. I always find it interesting to read about your journeys. It often sparks something in me and I'm always grateful for that.

1. Did you keep your 2010 New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for 2011?

I don’t remember making specific resolutions last year. I will make some for 2011, and since I am posting this I should be able to look back and remember what they were. Yay!

Resolutions for 2011:
Exercise, at minimum, four days per week ~ All. Year. Long.
Use my Wii at least twice per month
Learn the Yoga Sun Salutation
Do the Yoga Sun Salutation every morning
Take more pictures
Write more
Blog more
Pay off at least one credit card

2. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?
Played a PS3 game (GT5), ate Japanese food (Tempura, for Ed's birthday), stood up for myself in a very intimidating situation, tried to give medicine to a cat

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Quay, Mo, and Chamise

4. What countries did you visit?
None

5. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
Happiness and peace with the current moment, whatever that is, even if it isn't what I was hoping for. Staying more "in the moment" rather than reminiscing about the past or dreaming about the future. This. Moment. Is. My. Life.

6. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
All the Girls Nights with my DOT girls. The Girlz Nite at Applebee's where I laughed so hard I was sore the next day.

7. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Starting to exercise and sticking with it for three straight months, missing only one day. Discovering that when I do it, I really do enjoy it. It's a great way to transition from work to home and is also a great way to deal with stress and unwind from the day.

8. What was your biggest failure?
Not staying motivated with my daily exercising. I got sick and allowed that to derail me even once I was well. Since then, I have sporadically exercised, but not back to the daily routine I once had.

9. Did you suffer illness or injury?
H1N1 in February. A fairly decent cut on my finger while dicing mushrooms. Luckily no stitches. A couple of burns that blistered. Nothing serious or life threatening thankfully although I might do well to consider staying out of the kitchen.

10. What was the best thing you bought?
Gifts for Ed and my parents

11. Where did most of your money go?
Housing

12. What did you get really excited about?
The possibility of moving

13. What song will always remind you of 2010?
Tik Tok by Ke$ha, Telephone by Lady Gaga, Like a G6 by Far East Movement

14. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Writing, blogging, photography, Frisbee golf, being social

15. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Stressing

16. How did you spend Christmas?
Christmas Eve with Ed at my parents' house and Christmas Day at home just the two of us and the cat

17. What was your favorite TV program?
The Vampire Diairies, hands down!

18. What were your favorite books you read this year?
The Host by Stephenie Meyer, Women, Food, and God by Geneen Roth, U is for Undertow by Sue Grafton, every Desmond Morris book I could get my hands on, and of course the Harry Potter Series (for the umpteenth time)

19. What was your favorite music from this year?
Lady Gaga, Usher, One Republic, Linkin Park, Ke$ha, Like a G6

20. What were your favorite films of the year?
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part I, Avatar, Inception, The Social Network, The Hangover, How to Train Your Dragon, The Book of Eli, Remember Me

21. What did you do on your birthday?
My best friend Keri took me to lunch at Club Calpella were I had my favorite Chef Salad and fried mushrooms. Ed took me to The Broiler and made me cookies for dessert. My co-workers gave me a desk full of gifts, balloons, and yummy goodies.

22. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Fun. Realizing that the instant satisfaction of the purchase does NOT outweigh the long-term dissatisfaction of bills.

23. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
Comfort, plain, mix and match, machine wash

24. What kept you sane?
Great friends, exercise (when I managed to do it), counseling, writing, photography, sleep

25. What valuable life lesson did you learn in 2010?
I believe that 2010 was attempting to teach me patience. I imagine 2011 will continue the lesson as I have not completely learned it yet. So . . . patience, mindfulness, living "in the moment". Also, that while anxiety may feel like it will kill me it won't and choosing to live under the thumb of anxiety severely limits the experience of life.

26. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Lady Gaga. She's always interesting even if I don't always agree with what she's doing. I love her apparent lack of anxiety and her apparent lack of concern with what people think of her. I admire her drive, her talent, her uniqueness, and her ability to speak her mind, do what she wants, and fight for what she believes. She has a beautiful voice, I love her music, and I love watching her dance.

27. What political issue stirred you the most?
Arizona's Immigration Law

28. Who did you miss?
Grandma B, Gerry, and my college friend Hollie Jose / Hollie Mutunga who I can't seem to find. If you are reading this Hollie, please leave me a comment so I can find you!!

29. What did you want and not get?
Fun, to be thinner and healthier, to move, another tattoo

30. What did you want and get?
Another year making memories with the best boyfriend in the world. Another year of great times with the best friends in the world. Another year of employment. An iPod Touch and a new lens for my camera. I know. You're jealous. You have every right.

OK people . . . it's your turn. Let me hear from you!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! Bring on a happy, peaceful, fun, fulfilling 2011.

Thankful on Thanksgiving Day

I know I find it hard, when I am stressed and angry, tired and frustrated, to remember all the good things in life. It can be very difficult when it feels like there are so many negatives to even be aware of the positives, let alone focus on the positives. So, because it is Thanksgiving Day, I am making a point to ponder all the wonderful things in my life that I am thankful for. I hope that you all have as many things to be thankful for as I do.

I am thankful for having the very best friends in the world. Ed, Keri, Lora, Colette, Lois, Kristy, Lesa, Matt, Quay, Marianne, Cheryl, Leslee, Delisa . . . I love you all and I appreciate everything you have done for me and with me. I have so many wonderful memories of time spent with you, and you are always there for me when I need support. I wouldn't be who I am today without each and every one of you.

I am thankful for my beautiful cat DiDi who brings me so much happiness and companionship and peace. She is laying with me as I type this and I love how she stretches out with me (or on me as the case may be), relaxed and purring and meowing, warmth and love seeping from her little body into mine : )

I am thankful for my family. I have extraordinary parents and grandparents and am so blessed to have been raised in the environment I was. I am thankful for the love and stability and intellectual stimulation my family gave me growing up, allowing me to mature into the inquisitive, curious, engaging adult I have become.

I am thankful that I am employed. In an economic time when jobs are difficult to come by and good jobs almost non-existent, I am thankful to have a long term job with duties I enjoy. Sure I'd love to do something more challenging and meaningful, but I am thankful daily that I am able to get up and go to work (even when I don't WANT to go) so that I can pay my bills, keep my house and car, put food on the table, and generally have just enough.

I am thankful for good health. I need to lose weight and I occasionally have migraines, some sniffles and random pain, but overall I enjoy decent health. As I age, I realize that this is not something to take for granted, not ever. Being ill and/or in pain is chronic, constant, and lifelong for many people, and it is such a debilitating, depressing, frustrating, life restricting situation. I am extremely lucky, and so very grateful, that it is not something I have had to cope with.

I am thankful that I have discovered so many things I enjoy doing. I enjoy photography, Frisbee golf, reading, music, cars, writing, comedy, movies, The Vampire Diaries, and more. I am thankful that I have the means and the physical ability to enjoy these activities frequently.

I am thankful for the five senses. I am thankful that my eyes are healthy so that I can see my boyfriends smiling face and my cat curled up in my chair. I am thankful that I can see to drive, surf the internet, read a book, take photographs, watch movies, gaze at the ocean, watch snow falling. I am thankful my ears are healthy so that I can listen to music and hear my boyfriend's voice and his laugh. I am thankful that I can talk to my friends and joke and laugh and hear their laughter. I am thankful for healthy taste buds so that I can enjoy the wide array of flavors of food. I am thankful for a healthy nose so that I can smell the clean air on a rainy day, my cat, my boyfriend, perfume, baking cookies, pizza, crayons, and the scent of a new car. I am thankful that my skin is sensitive to touch so that I can bask in a caress and a hug, a kiss and a snuggle, a massage and fingers playing with my hair. I am thankful for the softness of DiDi's fur, the comfort of sweats and fuzzy socks, the euphoria of wind on my face, blowing my hair.

I am thankful that I have shelter and transportation, enough food in my pantry, clothes in my closet, soap and toilet paper in my bathroom, gas in my car. I am thankful that I can afford to run my heater today, and my air conditioner and sprinklers in July.

I am thankful to have been raised in such a lovely place. Ukiah sometimes seems exasperatingly small to me, but it is also cozy, friendly, beautiful, clean, and HOME.

I am thankful that I was born in America. I am thankful that when I turn on my faucet, the water that comes out is safe to drink. I am thankful for competent health care, even though it is outrageously expensive, and for access to simple preventive care such as immunizations. I am thankful for basic freedoms, that I can speak my mind, practice any religion I choose (or none), assemble with like minded individuals, that I am free from cruel and unusual punishment, free from unreasonable search and seizure, and have the right to defend my innocence. I am thankful, as a female, that I was not born in a country where little girls are mutilated in an effort to control their future sexuality and adult women are not allowed any freedoms at all. I am thankful that I can wear whatever clothes I choose, can leave the house without requiring a chaperone, hold a job, own property, and be whoever I want to be. I am thankful that, as a female, I was born in a time where I have the right to vote.

I am thankful that I am intelligent and funny and capable. I am thankful that I finished high school and was able to go to college. I love school and learning and experiencing. I am thankful that I have the means and the ability to continue taking classes and learning when some new subject snags my imagination.

I am thankful that I am open to new experiences, new information, new growth. I have learned so much, become aware of new possibilities, realized so many new things recently. I wish I would have learned it all ten or fifteen years ago. I might have been happier, more outgoing, lived a more engaging, interesting life. But I am learning it now and I'm thankful that I am open to the opportunity that has been laid out in front of me, that I am adaptable enough to take that opportunity and use it to my advantage. Thank you Vickie for helping me find this path.

Last but not least, I am thankful for my amazing boyfriend Ed. I am thankful to have met him even though I had come to believe, and be content with, the fact that I would probably remain single. I am thankful that he is in my life, adding spice and variety and joy and peace and stability. I know I don't say it as often as I should . . . I appreciate all you do for me and I am so grateful that you are part of my world. You have opened my eyes to so many new things, gently urged me to be open to new experiences, held my hand when I was afraid, encouraged me forward when I was anxious, cheered me on when I met with success, caught me when I stumbled, supported me as I work to better myself. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me and I love you so very much. ♥

Happy Thanksgiving to you all. I hope 2010 has been a good year for everyone, and I hope the coming holiday season is bright and filled with joy for you and your families and friends.

Halfway Through November Already

October is over for another year . . . Boo Hiss : ( But now it's HOLIDAY SEASON!! I can't believe it's been a month since I last wrote. I think my last blog wore me the heck out but it was absolutely worth it. In the intervening month, things have been semi-busy.

Ed's birthday was probably the most exciting thing that happened. I took the day off and we relaxed around the house and then went to dinner at Sports Zone Pizza (his choice, not mine). After dinner I stopped at Walgreens to get him some Starbuck's Caramel Macchiato ice cream, and then home to open presents. I had made Rolo brownies the night before and popped some cookies in the oven when we got home from dinner.

Later in the week we went to O'Haru with my parents. It was the first time I had ever had Japanese food. It was pretty good. Both Ed and I had cream cheese wontons and tempura. Of course I've had cream cheese wontons millions of times at Chinese restaurants, but never tempura. It was ok. I had vegetarian tempura and Ed had shrimp tempura. I only wish there had been more mushrooms!! I only got one. Oh, and I had the appetizer tofu soup. That was yummy. Those of you who know me know I'm not much of a food explorer so that was a new adventure for me. Afterwards we went back to my parents' house to open presents and have German Chocolate cake and ice cream. Ed got some great gifts and seemed to have a good time, which was really the important thing to me.

I've been trying to take lots of pictures lately. I have set up a site of web albums (http://picasaweb.google.com/118412076507433432326) and for my Facebook friends I have posted them there also. I am working on chronicling "my Ukiah", in other words, Ukiah as I see it. I am hoping that someday I will move out of the area. I thought the pictures would be a good thing to work on in the meantime as I absolutely cannot move right now. As a bonus, when I move I will have all those pictures to look back on when I miss my hometown, as I'm sure I will. I am really enjoying the process of making the list of things I want to capture, taking the pictures, uploading them, and sharing them with family and friends. It's been a real creative outlet for me. I'm still learning all the cool things my camera does. It takes fabulous pictures on full auto, but I can make it do all sorts of other things and I've been reading the manual and trying to do something new each time I go out. I am enjoying the feeling of being at least a little bit artistic!

Other than that it's pretty much been business as usual. Today is the last day of a four day weekend for me. I took the Friday after Veteran's Day off. It was SO nice to have an extended weekend. I took pictures, visited friends, ran errands, washed my car, weeded half of my front yard only stopping when I could hardly move anymore. I'm really looking forward to my next "vacation" between Christmas and New Year's. TEN WHOLE DAYS!!! Whew!! It will be so lovely to just relax and do whatever I want and not worry about work. Tomorrow is back to the grind, but it's only ten days till Thanksgiving, and another four day weekend!! I love the day after Thanksgiving because it is Christmas decoration day. Yay for Christmas Trees!!

Gerald "Gerry" Tate

Gerry would have been thirty-six years old today. He was a son, a brother, a grandson, a nephew, a cousin, a friend, a boyfriend, and my first love. He passed away on March 9th 1997 at the age of twenty-two. I think about him often, and I wonder what his life would have been like had he lived. I thought that we were so grown up already (I was also twenty-two at the time). I look back now, almost fourteen years later, and I realize how very young he was, how very young we both were, and how much of life he has missed and will continue to miss. At the time, I remember thinking of all the things he hadn’t done yet. He hadn’t jet-skied, hadn’t gotten married, hadn’t had children, hadn’t finished college, hadn’t traveled much, hadn’t decided what he wanted to be when he “grew up”. So many things I know he wanted to do and his time here was cut short. I think of all the Christmases he's missed, all the family holidays and birthdays and celebrations. And I think about how much the world has changed, all the things that are a part of daily life today that he never experienced, that didn't exist or weren't widespread yet in 1997 . . . the internet, cell phones (especially smartphones), digital cameras, iPods, Disneyland's California Adventure, all the new music and movies of the past fourteen years, public figures that are a cornerstone of our world today. Despite the fact that we were not a couple in the months prior to his passing, I knew he was out there somewhere, living his life, and if I wanted to get in touch with him I could have. It gave me a sense of security and peace to know he was out there and ok and reachable. I miss that.

I wish I could have talked to him one more time. I wish I could have told him that I loved him still. That even though things weren’t working for us, I still had hope, and believed that someday we would be together again. That I had so many wonderful, beautiful memories of good times, memories that I cherish to this day. That I loved him like I had loved no one else. He was my first love and for many years I thought my only love. I’m grateful for the time that we spent together because it taught me what it feels like to truly be in love with someone. Sometimes it was painful and dramatic and unpredictable, but most of the time it was glorious and passionate and overwhelming and beautiful. I never thought I would feel that way about anyone else, and even though I was very sad about that I felt so very blessed to have experienced it at least that once. At least I knew what it felt like to be completely in love with another person, and to have that love returned. I would tell him now that I am still devastated that he is gone. That I will always love him. That he changed me in so many ways and helped shape the person I am today. He prepared me for the true love I have in my life now, and for that I cannot thank him enough. Who knows what would have happened had he lived. Would we eventually have gotten back together? Gotten married? Had children? I don’t know. But I do wish things had turned out differently, very differently. I would have been so happy to hear that he had fallen in love and gotten married, finished college, had a job he loved, traveled, lived.

It seems like I am having a harder time this year than usual. I am so very sad, but I am also angry. I am angry at him for leaving. I am angry that he didn't try to prevent this. Why didn't he go to the hospital and get help? They probably could have saved him. He could still be alive today, enjoying life and experiencing so much joy. I am mad at myself that after all these years I still carry this pain and sorrow, this empty place in me. It hurts and I want it to stop. I am embarrassed because I'm with someone I love with all my heart and soul, shouldn't I not feel this way about Gerry anymore? Why do I? Why does he haunt me? The past couple of weeks Gerry has been a character in several of my dreams, and I have felt irritated that he is still there bouncing around in the back of my mind. If I had looked at a calendar, I might have put it together that his birthday was coming up. Maybe I feel this way every year, and then work diligently to forget how painful it really is. I’m not sure. But I felt I needed to write it down.

Even though writing this is hard and painful and makes me feel hollow, I feel like it’s time to let it out. Maybe I’ve been holding it in more than I realized, and need to face it and feel it and experience it so I can let go. Sometimes I feel like it’s wrong to still be this sad and miss him this much when I have been married and divorced and am now very happily coupled with the love of my life. So I ignore it, stuff it down and pretend that yes it’s very sad, but I’ve moved past it. I have moved on, certainly, but I don’t believe I’ve truly moved past it. I hate to admit that, but I think it’s probably the truth. I miss hearing him laugh and watching him dance. I miss laughing at him and his sister Tanna play-wrestling and play-fighting with each other. I miss his passion for drawing and music (even if I didn't always like what he was listening to). I miss his sense of fashion and his lack of fear. I miss listening to the drum and cymbal sounds he made using only his tongue and mouth. I miss the glorious time we spent at Disneyland together and how protective he was of me. I miss how it felt to be hugged by him and how he smelled. I miss how I fit perfectly under his chin when we hugged and how my hand felt in his. I miss falling asleep on his shoulder and watching him paint my toenails. I miss holding his hand at the Christmas Eve service and watching him open presents. I miss seeing his face light up when he smiled.

I can’t believe it’s been almost fourteen years. Sometimes it’s so powerful and raw it feels it’s only been a month. Sometimes it’s so much a part of me that it seems like it’s been a lifetime. So much has happened to me since he passed. Looking back, it gives me perspective to see how young twenty-two really is compared to how old I thought I was at that age. I wonder if I will feel the same way in another fourteen years, how “young” I was at thirty-six. And how much more life and experience Gerry will have missed in the years between thirty-six and fifty. I will always be sad that he passed away. I will always miss him. And I will always hope that he knew how much I loved him.

Happy Thirty-Sixth Birthday Gerry. I miss you. . . .

Exercise Restart

Today I restarted my exercise program. I have not been exercising much for the past month. I had some issues in September that I allowed to stop me, but I should have only taken a week off. Well the week became ten days became two weeks became way too long. I did walk a few times on my afternoon break at work, and a couple of days I used the treadmill at home. But it certainly was a far cry from how well I had been doing. For about a week now I have been feeling the motivation to get started again. I was all geared up to start last Monday, but something seemed to happen every night last week that got in the way. That is when I decided to start walking on my breaks again. At least I could do that, and not much "happens" to get in the way at work. This afternoon I felt the desperate need to get out and DO something, so I returned a book at the library, went to Wal-Mart, and most importantly started taking photographs for the Web Album I set up last week (see at http://picasaweb.google.com/118412076507433432326). I drove around and took snapshots of places I love to go for eating, shopping, relaxing, or having fun. I took more pictures than I realized, and I had a great time doing it. I am thinking of so many more things I want to photograph for my albums, and I can't wait to get going. When I got home, I was all jazzed up from my photo session, and I thought "This is it. I have the energy and before it dies down I am going to change into my workout clothes and walk." And I did. And it felt great. I can't wait to do it again tomorrow. I wish I hadn't missed a month, but at least I am getting started again. And on the flip side, I missed ONLY one month. In the past I have skipped months, sometimes years before I would get started again. I hope in the future when I get stalled for one reason or another, because it will happen again, that I only stall for two weeks. And then only for one week. And then only for a couple of days. I hope that I can learn from this experience that I am not a total failure when I miss a few days. It's just a bump in the road and when I recover I just get right back up and keep going. This is another place where my "embracing the gray" should help a lot. It is not all white (exercise EVERY SINGLE DAY) or black (if you can't do it every day then give up). Life is gray. Things get in the way . . . physical ailments, migraines, girls night out, volunteering, pampered chef/candle parties . . . life. Life happens and sometimes I just won't get to exercise. That is not failure, and I do NOT need to give up just because I missed day or a week, or even a month. As my dad would say, "When you fall off your bike, get right back on and keep riding." Love you Dad ♥

Embracing the Gray

I am an all or nothing person. I am not good at living in the gray. I feel uncomfortable living in the gray. I prefer black or white. Success or failure. Right or wrong. Yes or no. Good or bad. And while this means I generally know exactly what I think or feel about something (good), it is also a harsh way to live (bad). It’s very unforgiving . . . to others and to myself. There is no middle ground. If I haven’t one hundred percent achieved my goal, then I am a failure. If I think I can’t do it all the way, why even start? I miss out on all kinds of experiences because I am afraid I will fail. It even affects my blogging. I need each entry to be perfect. No half-ass blogging. Which translates to not very many entries because I am too tired, don’t have enough time, can’t think clearly enough to write coherently. And then I am irritated with myself because I am not blogging as often as I would like to. I keep thinking, tomorrow I will make time. Tomorrow I will sit at my new writing desk (which is now piled with junk mail and magazines and who knows what else) and write a profound, funny, thought provoking blog. But tomorrow comes and goes and no new blog. I can’t just sit and rattle off something, whatever thought is currently bouncing around in my head, short and sweet and leave it at that. It’s just not good enough.

I am an obsessive person. I decide on a course of action, and it dominates my thoughts. For instance, when I decided I wanted to move, I focused on one particular place I wanted to move. I studied the city. I read about it on the internet. I looked at housing and employment. I checked out colleges, theaters, restaurants, shopping, art, culture, and anything else I could think of in the area. I thought of all the reasons I want to move away from where I am now. This is not a recipe for happiness as moving can take months if not years to achieve. All it did was make me even more unhappy here, because I was focusing on how GREAT it would be to move there and all the things I don’t like about here. Additionally, if I can’t get where I was planning to go in the amount of time I thought it would take, I get frustrated and stressed out.

I have obsessive thoughts. Once a thought pops into my head, I often have a hard time getting it out. Food is a great example of this one, generally junk food that I feel I MUST have right NOW. The thought circles around in my head until I feel like I will go crazy. I want the candy bar. I shouldn’t have the candy bar. I won’t feel any better if I eat the candy bar. I will feel guilty if I eat the candy bar. It’s not good for me. I will gain weight. It’s expensive. But I want that damn candy bar. Nothing stops the thoughts better than eating the candy bar. Then starts the obsessive shame thoughts. Shame on you. You didn’t need that. You shouldn’t have eaten that. The whole day is ruined now (more of that all or nothing thinking). You’re never going to lose any weight. Well, if you’ve already blown the day, why bother to exercise? In fact, why not run over to the market and get Ho Ho’s and chips and a soda? If the day is already ruined, why not live it up? You can always start over tomorrow.

Obsession touches every part of my life: money, weight loss, cleaning house, work, relationships, yard work, photography, blogging, planning, dreams for my future, and this list goes on. I have a hard time tackling small pieces of a project. I want to complete the whole project at once, or why start? I am not good with “baby steps/one step at a time”. This makes weight loss and debt reduction extremely difficult because you can’t lose a bunch of weight and pay off all your credit cards all at once (unless you win the lottery and since I don’t play I doubt I will be winning any time soon). It truly even makes keeping the house clean and the yard nice pretty difficult. Because you really have to have a large chunk of time and lots of energy simultaneously to achieve such a feat all at one time. It’s best to tackle one room at a time, or even one corner of a room or one drawer. If I could do this, I could probably clean out lots of junk I don’t need and de-clutter my life. But I really have a hard time only completing part of a task. I need to be able to break the large task down into smaller tasks and see completion each individual task as an end unto itself, and as success. For instance: tonight I will clean out the top drawer of my dresser. That is all. And be ok with that. Then another day I will clean out the second drawer and so on. Same with the yard. Today I will weed along the side of the house. That’s all. Not weed the front. Not mow the back. Not trim back the nasty berry bushes. Just weed the north side of the house. And completion of that single task equals success.

Embrace the gray. This is something I really want to try to work on. I feel that I have lost so much time in my life, that there are so many things I wish I would have done, hobbies I wish I would have had 15 years ago. But I can’t go back. I can only start with today and go forward. I hope to spend more time taking pictures, blogging, washing my car, playing Frisbee golf, and less time thinking I don’t have time or energy to do those things “right”. If all I have time for is a brief blog about my day, or a few photos of my yard, or vacuuming the car, or half a round of Frisbee golf, then that’s perfectly ok. It’s better than not doing it at all.

Lost

I've been feeling lost lately. I'm even dreaming about it. Last night I had this dream where I was in a big city, wandering around lost. Lots of cars and city streets and confusing freeways and stoplights and trains . . . very overwhelming. All the street corners looked the same, each one with an glass enclosed metal stairway to a second floor train platform. I had parked my car somewhere and gone on foot, using the trains. Apparently I hadn't paid any attention to landmarks or anything at all aside from the train stairways, and because every corner had this glass and metal staircase they all looked the same. I could stand and turn in a circle and all views looked the same. After traveling the city for awhile I realized I was lost in this big place. I needed to get back to my car. It was going to be dark soon and I didn't know where I was or how to get back to my car. I was trying desperately to get back to my car but couldn't find it. It was vital that I find my car . . . I can't remember why, but I do remember that I really needed to get back to the car. I feel vaguely like there were important things IN the car and also it was my place of safety and power. If I could just get back to the car, I would be OK and would be able to find my way home. The longer I looked for it and couldn't find it, the more anxious I got. I didn't know if I was getting closer to or farther away from my goal, or was I going in circles? There were other people there, trying to help me, but it was no help. Should we split up or stay together, keep going or give up? There were dark tunnels that I had to fumble my way through alone, pushing on even though I was scared. There were also busy, people filled areas but those local people were no help because I didn't know what to ask for. I wasn't familiar with the city, the streets, the buildings, and I didn't know where I had parked the car so I couldn't just say, "Could you tell me where such-and-such street is?" I felt completely alone and afraid and panicky. Even though a couple of people were trying to help me, I wasn't getting anywhere. One of the people trying to help me was my boyfriend. We got separated – he stayed at the last train station I had been in when I went searching for the car – and even though we both had cell phones I couldn't call him because I couldn't figure out how to use his new phone. I feel like the dream was so full of symbols. Lost, wandering, losing my drive (car), everything seeming the same no matter where I look, people all around but feeling alone, feeling hopeless and ineffectual (not being able to use the new cell phone). I woke up from this dream feeling profoundly upset and scared. It took me several hours curled up under the covers to feel semi-normal enough to face the day. It's amazing to me how much a dream can affect my waking state, even though my logical mind KNOWS it wasn't real. The emotions stay with me anyway.

I feel like the dream is tied to my life lately. I really want to do something different with my life, but I can't seem to get anything going. I'd like to move to a new town, like to lose weight, like to start being more active and social. But I don't seem motivated. I have no patience for waiting for things to unfold. I just WANT. IT. NOW. I am working on this obsession with "getting it done now" and instead trying to enjoy the journey. There is something to be gained, learned, enjoyed, experienced in every step along the way and if I rush through everything (or get scared and panicky like in my dream) I will miss a lot. I guess I need to accept that the first step is having a seed of desire to try something new, and I do have that much. For now I want to try to enjoy the time I do have here, my childhood home, where my friends and family are. Amazingly, there are lots of things I still haven't seen and done here even though I have lived here all but two years of my life. For now I will try to make my goal enjoying this area, seeing it as though through the eyes of a visitor or new resident. The way I imagine I will probably see the new place I will move to someday. I will explore, take photographs, journal, and enjoy this place I have called home for 35 years. Being satisfied with where I am is a choice. It means choosing to see the good, fun, beautiful things I have here. It means choosing to really SEE the town when I drive to work, the grocery store, or Wal-Mart. It means engaging with people here, friends, family, and strangers. Being satisfied does not mean I have to give up my dream of moving. It doesn't mean that I want to or will stay here forever. I can be satisfied and happy while yearning for an adventure in a new town someday in my future.

I Am . . . .

Human
Female
In Love
Thirty-Five Years Old
Tall
Brunette
Loyal
Honest
Trustworthy
Funny
Smart
Creative
Imaginative
Curious
Observant
Fun
Kind
Shy
Insecure
Interesting
Moody
Emotional
Expressive
Opinionated
Passionate
Reserved
Quiet
Reflective
Introspective
Obsessive
Particular
Analytical
Literal
American
Californian
Employed
Alive
A College Graduate
A Friend
A Daughter
A Sister
An Aunt
An Animal Lover
A Honda Lover
A Cat Owner and Lover
A Disney Fan
A Romantic
A Dreamer
A Thinker
A Philosophizer
A Homebody
A Perfectionist

My Life Wish List ~ AKA The Bucket List

As of today, Saturday August 14th, 2010, the following is a list of things I would like to experience and/or accomplish in my life. When I have the satisfaction of fulfilling one of my wishes, I will make a note of it by posting the happy completion date after the entry. Check back as I am quite certain that the list will change as time passes.

Experiences:
Meet Desmond Morris and Have an "In-Person" Discussion with Him
Ride in a Hot Air Balloon
Skydiving
Parasailing
Snowboarding
Show Shoeing
Drive a Ferrari (MT)
Drive an Audi R8 (MT)


Learn:
To Play Piano
Sewing
Crocheting
Knitting
Sign Language
Relearn Spanish
Ride a Motorcycle


Travel To:
New York
Italy
England

Lake Como
Egyptian Pyramids
Washington D.C.
Mediterranean ~ Greece etc.
Grand Canyon
Yosemite
Flaming Gorge, Utah


Other:
Earn a Degree in Technical Writing
Earn a Master's Degree
Become a Blogger
Regularly Take Photographs

Move out of California

Exercise ~ Week Thirteen/Month Three

This coming Friday will be the end of week thirteen (and it's Friday the 13th!) and Sunday will be the end of month three. I am so excited that I am still working out every day. In eighty-seven straight days I have missed only once, because I was sick in bed. Not too shabby for someone who usually can’t stick with an exercise plan beyond the first two weeks. Yay for Mary!! I have also in the last week graduated to sixty minute sessions, which was the original goal I set out for myself. I had managed a few hour long walks here and there over the past couple of months, but they were few and far between. I started off with twenty minute sessions, and moved up to thirty. I stuck with thirty for awhile, doing twenty minutes on days I was tired or hurting, or just short on time. Then I increased to forty-five minutes, and thirty was my "short" session. I did the forty-five minute sessions for several weeks before I was able to do an occasional hour. If I was able to do a longer session one day, I didn't require myself to continue that workout duration unless my body felt good enough to repeat it the following day. So basically I just let my body tell me when it was ready to do more. As I felt good, I gradually increased my time. I didn't set timelines or dates for myself. I let it happen naturally. I decided right from the start that one of my downfalls in the past was forcing myself through sessions that were simply too long and difficult for my fitness level. As a result I was overly sore and exhausted, got burned out after a few days, and became very good at thinking up reasons to skip sessions. This time I didn't want to make that mistake, and that is why I decided to start off gentler. The twenty minute sessions seemed like such a short workout, but looking back it was the right thing to do. Here I stand, looking back over my thirteen weeks and I can be proud that I have stuck with it, and in a natural progression I have achieved my goal of regular hour long workouts. Double Yay for Mary!!

Another thing that has really been obvious lately is how much more often I hit my rhythm. About five minutes into a session, I feel the warmth spreading throughout my body and mind. I feel happy, can feel my body and mind relax, and I start to think more positive thoughts, relive happy memories, ponder my exciting future. I feel my muscles working, sometimes hard, and I am coming to enjoy that feeling. I have been told many times that some people truly love exercising. They love the way it makes them feel, both during the workout and afterwards. I always thought these people were possibly nuts, that any normal person would not love torturing themselves, and that certainly anything called "working" out would be . . . well . . . work. I realize now that I am enjoying exactly this euphoric experience. I enjoy the high. I enjoy the feeling of my body working and moving and getting strong. I enjoy how I feel when I finish a session, both emotionally and physically. My body is tired, but in the best way. I feel good about myself, proud of my discipline, excited about my improving fitness level. My mind is clear and I feel happier, freer. It's such a wonderful way to transition from a stressful work day, to recharge my batteries and release the tension I have carried home with me. I get to sweat out all the negativity, push it out of my mind and my muscles. Afterwards I shower and wash all that sweat and tension and stress away, and then I can properly enjoy my time at home. All in all, I am very pleased with how well my lifestyle change is progressing. In less than a week it will have been three full months. I am so grateful that I got the boost I needed to get started (thank you Vickie) and for the support and encouragement and praise I have received all along the way (thank you ♥ Ed ♥).

Here's to another successful thirteen weeks/three months!!

Never Take Him for Granted

Lately I have been noticing how wonderful my boyfriend has been through all my new exercise mania. He is the perfect mix of supportive and encouraging. There is never any heavy-handed bossiness or pushiness, nor any complaints about the daily time it takes. He reminds me often how proud he is of me and how he admires my determination to get a session in every day. When I finish a daily session he’ll ask how long I worked out and tell me what a good job I am doing. As I have increased the length of my daily sessions he tells me how impressed he is with my drive and my increasing stamina. It's wonderful to bask in that acknowledgement and appreciation after working hard ~ an added bonus to completing another session. He does all this without ever making me feel like he is thinking or feeling that I “need to be” or “should be” exercising. He never nags at me before I exercise about whether I will get to it that day. He has also taken an interest in making sure that I have healthy foods in the house and for the lunches I take to work. He is trying to help me expand my horizons with fruits and other foods I have never tried before. In addition, he is always trying to think of clever snacks that will give me that dessert feeling, but are not full of calories and fat. It's obvious that he puts a lot of thought and effort into making sure that I have foods that are healthy but still satisfying. I never feel pushed by him, never feel that he is trying to act as an enforcer or a trainer. He is always just there, being my biggest fan, my most vocal supporter, my most comforting encourager.

I appreciate more than he probably realizes that he has approached my attempt at this new lifestyle in such a generous way. I would not respond well to bossy reminders such as “Don’t forget to work out today” or “It’s getting late, are you planning on working out today?” or "Don't eat too much, you might regret it later". Remarks like these would irritate me and bring out my stubborn side. They might have the effect of taking the wind out my sails. While he probably knows me well enough to know that these types of comments would provoke stubborn Mary, the truth is he just doesn't ever treat me that way. I am grateful to have someone in my life that I can depend on to just be there, to support me in whatever it is I want to do, to encourage me when he senses I need it, and to back off when sensing I need space. It's amazing to me what a difference it makes knowing that I have that support, that he loves me just as I am, that he wants me to do whatever it is that makes me happy. Having that security allows me to try new things, to grow, to experiment, even to fail, because I know he'll love me no matter what. He'll always be there to hold me, to help me up, and encourage me to start again. I have not always been so lucky, and I never want to take him for granted. So if I haven’t said it before, or if I haven't said it often enough, thank you babe. Thank you for being my best friend, my cheering section, my counselor, my shoulder to cry on. You are the best. I am the luckiest girl to have you in my life. I love you! ♥ ♥

Procrastination

Today I was thinking about how I am a procrastinator. I was born this way. In school I put assignments off to the last minute and then crammed the two nights before to crank out the paper or cram for the exam. At home I will think tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow and then be irritated at the mess. Even at work, I will put the least savory duty at the bottom of the pile. I always manage to get the task done, but I . . . . procrastinate. When I think about all this, I realize how dumb it is to put these unpleasant duties off. All I do is prolong the period of time in which I obsess about the fact that they need to be done, worry about whether I will manage to get them done with the level of quality I expect of myself AND done on time. I dread the time I will have to waste, I mean spend, completing the task. Rather stupid, right? If I simply cleared my mind of all these unpleasant thoughts and accomplished the task right off, I would save myself all the hours of stress and negativity I spend thinking about having to do it, wishing I didn't have to do it. I mean, the reality is that I have to spend the time accomplishing the task whether I do it right now or I do it at the last possible minute. So why spend hours or days between right now and the last possible minute obsessing? Just get it done, and have that time free to think about other, more happy things. Like pizza. Or Disneyland. Anyway . . .

The reason I was musing about procrastination today is that I was engaging in it this afternoon. I got home from work today and I knew that exercise was a must. I knew I would do it without a doubt as I do every other day. But I was dreading it. As it is Friday (thank God) and I can sleep in tomorrow, I can be a bit more flexible about when I begin today's session. I change out of the clothes I have worn all day and put on more comfortable ones. This is where the procrastinating begins. I sit down and turn on the computer. I check my email. I read the newspaper. I check out what's happening on Facebook. I delay some more. I sit and talk to my boyfriend. I finally graduate to putting on the rest of my workout clothes, even going so far as to put on the socks and shoes. But then I sit in my recliner and postpone even further. Talk some more with my boyfriend, play with my cat, and generally lounge around. I finally drag myself onto the treadmill with a heavy heart and drudgingly start walking. And miraculously after about five minutes I feel great and I think, why did I wait so long to get started??!! I could have felt this rush of positivity and well-being ninety minutes sooner!! What a dummy!! And them I remember, this is no miracle. I feel this rush of happiness almost every day. I will admit there is the occasional day that I don’t experience it, but it is a definite majority of days that I do. So why do I so frequently dawdle and wait and postpone my exercising? One of the mysteries of life.

Now that I have pondered this subject, I realize there is yet another reason for not procrastinating ~ many times what I am dreading turns out to be something unexpected. Not only is it not utterly unpleasant, I may actually find I am enjoying myself and shame on me for not getting started sooner.

Rules

Rules. Rules are everywhere. I have lived my life a prisoner to rules. Some rules I agree with wholeheartedly. Most laws for instance. There is a reason most laws are in place – generally to keep people, animals, the environment from harm and pain. The rest of the rules, these rules that reside inside my head and govern my thoughts, my emotions, my life – where did they come from? I can't always answer this question. Some are religious rules, others are rules instilled by family and other authority figures from my childhood, others still from my career life. Some I am not aware of yet. Nevertheless the rules are there, potentially making me anxious, angry, guilty, fearful. Sometimes I am even fearful of someone else getting caught breaking some arbitrary rule that lives in my head. What an exhausting way to navigate life, always worried that I will break a rule and "be in trouble".

As I have begun to take an in depth look at my complex, interwoven system of rules, I realize that not all the rules I live with make sense in my current life. Maybe they filled a need in childhood or some other situation, but that need no longer exists. When I obstinately hold on to these rules I create anxiety and stress for myself, and I certainly don't need any help with that. I am working on being more aware of what ingrained rules I carry with me. The first step for me is awareness. Some of them are so old, so automatic that I don't even realize they are there. They aren't a "rule" to my mind. They are REALITY. I am learning to slow down and really think about my reactions, why I feel or think a certain way about something. Maybe it isn't actually REALITY. Maybe there is another way, a healthier and happier way. Is my automatic thought or feeling a snap reaction to a long-held and never-challenged rule, or is it a true reflection of what I think and feel? If it is an ingrained rule, does it serve me well? Does it uphold my values? Does it spare myself and others pain? If the answer is mostly yes, then the rule probably works for me. If the answer is no, why am I holding on so tightly to a belief that is most likely not only useless, but a hindrance to me? If the answer is I don’t know, then that is a rule I can take my time with and consider further.

In addition, whenever possible I am trying to take into consideration the source, where the rule originated. Is this a source, a person or an institution, I respect? Do I find the source reliable, intelligent, fair, consistent with my values? If the rule comes from a source that I have no respect for, then I have no requirements to internalize that rule. Of course I can choose to follow a rule if it fits me and my value system on it's own merit, regardless of the source. It's a balancing act. However, I am no longer going to blindly assimilate rules simply because someone says "this is a rule and you must follow it". If I do not respect the source, and the rule is not useful to me, I am not required to mindlessly obey. This is especially true in instances where I may have to show outward signs of obeying a rule in certain limited situations, but I need not internalize the rule and apply it to my life in general.

What it ultimately should come down to is this: what works for ME? What do I believe? How will I choose to live? Who am I and what do I believe? As an adult, I have the right to decide who I am, what I believe, how I will live. And I deserve to make these decisions independently, for myself rather than structuring my world on someone else's concept of what I should do, say, be. I am my own person. I am a valuable employee. I am a great friend. I am a beautiful person. I deserve to be happy. I no longer need an over abundance of rules to make sure I am toeing the line.

Exercise ~ Week Eleven

In two days, I will have completed eleven weeks of continuous daily exercise. I have still not missed a single day. That fact in itself motivates me every single day. I love being able to say “I haven’t missed a day in eleven weeks”. I never want today to be the day I ruin it. So on the treadmill I go and do my thirty minutes or my forty-five minutes or my hour. I haven’t progressed to doing an hour very often, at least not yet. Forty-five is my standard. On days that I have time and I feel really good, I do an hour. On days that I am feeling slow and achy, I do thirty. For a week I did some yoga to start strengthening my abs and my back, but I hurt myself a bit working in the yard so I’ve had to stop doing those exercises for awhile. It’s a bummer, because it did really feel like my abs were getting a great workout. I’ll get back to it when my body heals. In addition, I’d really like to add in some Wii Fit time at least once a week, maybe twice and also once a week or so do something a bit challenging like hiking or a bit of jogging. I just want to push the level up a little once in awhile to start building up my endurance and strength. I want to do some different things so I’m not always working all the exact same muscles, to work different muscles than those that get worked on the treadmill. I want to mix it up so that, for instance, the next time I work in the yard I’m not sore for five days afterwards. I am surprised to be this sore since I have been working out. Obviously I don’t use my currently sore muscles when I walk. And it seems to be taking an inordinate amount of time to heal. Very irritating.

Worrying

I am trying something that two different teachers tried to teach me at very different points in my academic career. My sophomore English teacher, the incomparable Mr. Ron Ford who I was lucky enough to have as my senior English teacher as well, began each class with a quote or thought on the board (my favorite is still "Anything worth doing is worth doing well"). We were to seat ourselves at our desk and use the first ten minutes of class time writing about that topic or one of our own choosing. In college I was lucky enough to take Creative Writing from Nancy McLelland (http://www.adobehouseartists.com/nm/html/about.html). One of the semester requirements was to write every day. Every. Single. Day. We were to keep a journal, diary, log, however we chose to view it. The subject could be whatever we wanted ~ a novel we were working on, typical diary entries, opinions regarding current events, short stories, poetry, any combination we so chose. She didn't require us to turn this writing in, just that we put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) every day. I realize now that this is exactly what Mr. Ford was trying to get us to do as teens. I think it's a great idea, and something every writer should do. At least this writer should do. I don't always want to write about what is on my mind or heart because I may have lived with the feelings all day. I will often use this excuse to NOT write, because I just can't face more analysis of whatever topic has been with me that day. Since I am too chicken to call Mr. Ford and find out where he got his terrific daily thoughts in the pre-internet world, I decided to find a website that offered something similar. So begins my "thought of the day" blogging. Wish me luck that I can stick with it, at least a couple times a week if not every day. Whenever possible, I will reference the author of the quote. And wish me hope that soon I will have the courage to call Mr. Ford and pick his brain about where I can find even more thoughts/quotes to fuel my writing!

Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy. ~ Leo Buscaglia
I love Leo Buscaglia!! He wrote great things about love and relationships. You should read his books. Anyway, I realize that this quote sort of fits with what I said about not always wanting to write about what has been with me all day, because sometimes those things are worries and stress. I would do well to remember this quote. Very wise. I've also heard something like "Worry is interest paid on trouble before it comes due.” (W.R. Inge). I should try remembering that usually these things I worry about never come to pass. Therefore, all that worry and misery for nothing. All that stress and obsessing, assuming that I am trying to prepare myself for the "crisis" when all I'm really doing is tainting this moment with negative, unhappy energy. If we spend our time with regrets over yesterday, and worries over what might happen tomorrow, we have no today in which to live (unknown author). I am so guilty of this practice. I need to stop obsessing about mistakes I made in the past and stressing about the "maybes" of tomorrow and learn to enjoy TODAY. Because, really, today is all we have. Yesterday is past, the future is uncertain, but today is a gift. That's why it's called the present. I want to be more carefree, enjoying each moment for the moment, in the moment. Obviously I expect to learn from the past, from the mistakes I have made. I expect to plan for the future. But there is no reason to worry and obsess so extensively. Worry often gives a small thing a big shadow.

Worry is like a rocking chair – it gives you something to do but it doesn't get you anywhere (unknown author). I want to go somewhere, do things, experience life. I want to have fun, let the wind blow through my hair, smell the autumn air, listen to moving music, eat delicious food, dance, laugh, love, enjoy, smile, experience the fullness of life. I don't expect to be free from worry and regrets. But I do believe that I am capable of learning to let the majority of it go. I also believe that I deserve to be happier and freer that I am now. I believe that I am the jailer of my happiness. I am the culprit. My mind keeps me incarcerated with obsessive and anxious thoughts, always expecting the worst, believing the worst is happening right now.

I used to worry about what life was for - now being alive seems sufficient reason. ~ Joanna Field
I wish I would have read this quote when I got divorced. I struggled for months, maybe a couple of years, to get to the point where I lived life with this philosophy. I struggled with religion, spirituality, loss, loneliness, failure, the past, the present, the now. I wondered what it was all for. I finally healed enough to come to my own version of this quote ~ the purpose of life is to enjoy it, to do that which makes me happy, the only boundary being not harming others in the process. What a freeing thought!! I would like to get back to living my life that way today.

There is a great difference between worry and concern. A worried person sees a problem, and a concerned person solves a problem. ~ Harold Stephens
Great distinction ~ a worrier obsesses about what might happen, how awful might it be. A concerned person sees a challenge, a riddle to be solved.

Every evening I turn my worries over to God. He's going to be up all night anyway. ~ Mary C. Crowley
I'm not particularly religious, but I do believe in God and this one made me smile.
God will, in fact, be up all night. Why not give Him your worries (and mine) and have a peaceful night's rest? Not such a bad idea.

Exercise ~ Week Six

Today is the end of week six. Can you believe it!!?? Six whole weeks and I haven’t missed even one day. I am SOOO proud of myself. Some days are hard, painful, tiring. Other days are almost euphoric and my body enjoys the whole forty-five minutes of working out. Those days still surprise me, but I love them. Even a day that starts off difficult can turn into a euphoria day. Yesterday was one of those days. I got going and for the first five or six minutes I was dragging and wishing I was already done. And then my body hit it’s stride and I felt great. The remainder of the forty minutes went by so fast and I still felt good when it was time to stop. I could have done more probably, but I didn’t want to push it and regret it today. Of course, I feel tired and blah right now, but I never know until I get started whether the exercise itself will re-energize me. I sleep better, I’ve lost about fifteen pounds and I feel better. I have more energy and I feel less stressed out. I really do believe it’s the perfect way to transition from my stressful work day to my relaxed and happy home time. It is so helpful to use that working out time to let all the negativity I bottle up all day flow out and let my mind wander to happier thoughts. Then I can shower and have dinner and really enjoy my time with my honey. I also feel like it’s really helped me be able to deal much more effectively with my irritation or anger about things. I am much more able to bite my tongue instead of lashing out and then regretting what I’ve said or done. I am very pleased about that development, especially since it was totally unexpected.

My New Exercise Plan

Today is day one of my new exercise plan. I had a counseling session this morning and I mentioned that one of the things I am hoping will improve as I start feeling better is my energy level. There are a lot of reasons for this, but one of the biggest reasons is because I want to get healthy. I want to exercise regularly and in general be a more active person. I am sick of always feeling run down and worn out, so much so that exercising seems like the impossible and getting out to do just about anything (even something fun) is just not appealing. In the process of having this conversation with my counselor, she mentioned to me that she has found a commonality among her clients that exercise regularly and consistently. They view exercise like brushing their hair. It’s something they do every day. Every single day. I immediately substituted brushing my hair with brushing my teeth or taking a shower. These are two things I would NEVER go a day without. No matter how tired I am, how sick, how injured, I will always manage to brush my teeth and take a shower. I feel too gross if I skip, it’s just not worth it. So that’s how I am going to view exercise from now on. The other thing I decided is that I will NOT insist of myself that exercise must be an hour per day. I think that is just too long. At least at first, it’s too draining and causes too much soreness which makes me likely to want to skip days or quit all together. Since this is something I want to stick with forever, I need to be more reasonable about what my body is capable of. I am not in very good shape right now, so I decided twenty minutes per day minimum is a good starting point. If I feel good at twenty and want to do more, then I can do thirty. For now, an hour is out of the question because even if I think I feel good enough to do it, I will regret it the next day. Consistent, regular exercise is more important to me than a single outstanding workout day. I hope to work up to forty-five minutes at some point, but I won’t push myself to reach that goal until I feel like I am getting into better shape and can handle it. After my session, I went home and helped my parents and boyfriend finish up with yard work. My mom and I got lunch for all of us and then we sat down, out of the heat and sun, and had a nice lunch. After my parents went home, I changed my clothes and jumped on the treadmill. WooHoo day one accomplished! I did my twenty minutes and I felt good. Tired, and I can definitely feel it in my muscles, but I won’t be so sore and drained tomorrow that I won’t want to do it again. I really, truly hope this is something I can stick with. I desperately want to lose weight, have more energy, and feel more healthy. I won’t lie, I also want to feel pretty again. I am entirely sick of feeling ugly and dumpy all the time, never having any cute clothes to wear. I need to get this under control. I am certain that how I feel about my appearance negatively affects my mood. I know it also keeps me from going out and doing fun things even on days where I might have the energy to do so.

Moving On ~ Good Advice From Dear Carolyn

Posted in the "Hi, Carolyn" section of May 13th, 2010 Ukiah Daily Journal

Dear Carolyn:
How do think a person knows when they’ve “moved on” from a past relationship i.e., are ready to date again without being unfair to potential partners?-- D.C.

True on-moveage is when you wouldn’t take a person back, even if s/he came begging.

Re: Moving on:
I think it’s more complicated than that. I broke up with a guy because he was starting to show abusive tendencies (throwing things, etc). I wouldn’t have taken him back if he begged, won Lotto and we lived in different time zones. That being said, I still wasn’t ready to move on for a while in a way that was fair to the other person - lots of stuff to work through. -- Anonymous

Right. I was seeing it as a matter of being attached to a particular person. For the kind of moving on you describe, the milestone you want to reach is the one of accepting what you learned about yourself in the former relationship. That pertains mostly to the ugly stuff you learn about yourself, but flattering news can take time to process, too. All this can make your own life seem alien to you. Once that phase has passed, and you’re not constantly aware of or reminding yourself of what happened – when you just “are” – then, you’ve moved on.

E-mail Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at http://www.washingtonpost.com/.

20 Very Easy Tips for Lowering Your Stress Level by Gretchen Rubin

When we’re stressed, we tend to become more stressed. That’s because when we’re rushed and harried, we cut corners. We don’t take the time to do the little things that, though not difficult or time-consuming themselves, can end up saving enormous amounts of time and trouble.

For example, buying stamps isn’t stressful, and buying a roll of stamps isn’t any more stressful than buying twenty stamps, but realizing that you’ve run out of stamps when you’ve waited to the last possible day to pay your bills is STRESSFUL.

And it seems to be a natural law that every car’s gas gauge hits “Empty” at the moment of maximum inconvenience.

As a kid, I was puzzled by the meaning of the old saying, “A stitch in time saves nine.”
Now I know what it means. And it’s a very sensible saying. It means that if you make one stitch when it’s needed, you’ll save yourself the trouble of having to make nine stitches later.

Similarly, one of the best ways to lower the stress level in your life is to discipline yourself to do the little things that will help keep stress at bay.

These tasks don’t seem particularly important, and they’re easy to skip when you’re rushed, but if neglected, they can snowball into major stress.

So, if you feel like your stress level is high, try to tick off some items on this list. A little effort now means a lot less stress, later.

Go to bed thirty minutes earlier than usual.
Get up twenty minutes earlier than usual.
Before you go to sleep, prepare for the morning.
Bring a hat and an umbrella.
Don’t wear tight clothes or uncomfortable shoes.
Make a list.
Listen to a favorite song.
Keep extra cash and stamps in the house.
Be polite and be fair.
Laugh out loud.
Have a good book to read.
Keep an extra set of keys.
Exercise.
Always keep your passport in the same place.
Throw something away.
Don't say mean things about other people.
Put a Bandaid in your wallet.
Keep gas in the car.
Pay attention to someone else.
Make your bed.