I am an all or nothing person. I am not good at living in the gray. I feel uncomfortable living in the gray. I prefer black or white. Success or failure. Right or wrong. Yes or no. Good or bad. And while this means I generally know exactly what I think or feel about something (good), it is also a harsh way to live (bad). It’s very unforgiving . . . to others and to myself. There is no middle ground. If I haven’t one hundred percent achieved my goal, then I am a failure. If I think I can’t do it all the way, why even start? I miss out on all kinds of experiences because I am afraid I will fail. It even affects my blogging. I need each entry to be perfect. No half-ass blogging. Which translates to not very many entries because I am too tired, don’t have enough time, can’t think clearly enough to write coherently. And then I am irritated with myself because I am not blogging as often as I would like to. I keep thinking, tomorrow I will make time. Tomorrow I will sit at my new writing desk (which is now piled with junk mail and magazines and who knows what else) and write a profound, funny, thought provoking blog. But tomorrow comes and goes and no new blog. I can’t just sit and rattle off something, whatever thought is currently bouncing around in my head, short and sweet and leave it at that. It’s just not good enough.
I am an obsessive person. I decide on a course of action, and it dominates my thoughts. For instance, when I decided I wanted to move, I focused on one particular place I wanted to move. I studied the city. I read about it on the internet. I looked at housing and employment. I checked out colleges, theaters, restaurants, shopping, art, culture, and anything else I could think of in the area. I thought of all the reasons I want to move away from where I am now. This is not a recipe for happiness as moving can take months if not years to achieve. All it did was make me even more unhappy here, because I was focusing on how GREAT it would be to move there and all the things I don’t like about here. Additionally, if I can’t get where I was planning to go in the amount of time I thought it would take, I get frustrated and stressed out.
I have obsessive thoughts. Once a thought pops into my head, I often have a hard time getting it out. Food is a great example of this one, generally junk food that I feel I MUST have right NOW. The thought circles around in my head until I feel like I will go crazy. I want the candy bar. I shouldn’t have the candy bar. I won’t feel any better if I eat the candy bar. I will feel guilty if I eat the candy bar. It’s not good for me. I will gain weight. It’s expensive. But I want that damn candy bar. Nothing stops the thoughts better than eating the candy bar. Then starts the obsessive shame thoughts. Shame on you. You didn’t need that. You shouldn’t have eaten that. The whole day is ruined now (more of that all or nothing thinking). You’re never going to lose any weight. Well, if you’ve already blown the day, why bother to exercise? In fact, why not run over to the market and get Ho Ho’s and chips and a soda? If the day is already ruined, why not live it up? You can always start over tomorrow.
Obsession touches every part of my life: money, weight loss, cleaning house, work, relationships, yard work, photography, blogging, planning, dreams for my future, and this list goes on. I have a hard time tackling small pieces of a project. I want to complete the whole project at once, or why start? I am not good with “baby steps/one step at a time”. This makes weight loss and debt reduction extremely difficult because you can’t lose a bunch of weight and pay off all your credit cards all at once (unless you win the lottery and since I don’t play I doubt I will be winning any time soon). It truly even makes keeping the house clean and the yard nice pretty difficult. Because you really have to have a large chunk of time and lots of energy simultaneously to achieve such a feat all at one time. It’s best to tackle one room at a time, or even one corner of a room or one drawer. If I could do this, I could probably clean out lots of junk I don’t need and de-clutter my life. But I really have a hard time only completing part of a task. I need to be able to break the large task down into smaller tasks and see completion each individual task as an end unto itself, and as success. For instance: tonight I will clean out the top drawer of my dresser. That is all. And be ok with that. Then another day I will clean out the second drawer and so on. Same with the yard. Today I will weed along the side of the house. That’s all. Not weed the front. Not mow the back. Not trim back the nasty berry bushes. Just weed the north side of the house. And completion of that single task equals success.
Embrace the gray. This is something I really want to try to work on. I feel that I have lost so much time in my life, that there are so many things I wish I would have done, hobbies I wish I would have had 15 years ago. But I can’t go back. I can only start with today and go forward. I hope to spend more time taking pictures, blogging, washing my car, playing Frisbee golf, and less time thinking I don’t have time or energy to do those things “right”. If all I have time for is a brief blog about my day, or a few photos of my yard, or vacuuming the car, or half a round of Frisbee golf, then that’s perfectly ok. It’s better than not doing it at all.
I am an obsessive person. I decide on a course of action, and it dominates my thoughts. For instance, when I decided I wanted to move, I focused on one particular place I wanted to move. I studied the city. I read about it on the internet. I looked at housing and employment. I checked out colleges, theaters, restaurants, shopping, art, culture, and anything else I could think of in the area. I thought of all the reasons I want to move away from where I am now. This is not a recipe for happiness as moving can take months if not years to achieve. All it did was make me even more unhappy here, because I was focusing on how GREAT it would be to move there and all the things I don’t like about here. Additionally, if I can’t get where I was planning to go in the amount of time I thought it would take, I get frustrated and stressed out.
I have obsessive thoughts. Once a thought pops into my head, I often have a hard time getting it out. Food is a great example of this one, generally junk food that I feel I MUST have right NOW. The thought circles around in my head until I feel like I will go crazy. I want the candy bar. I shouldn’t have the candy bar. I won’t feel any better if I eat the candy bar. I will feel guilty if I eat the candy bar. It’s not good for me. I will gain weight. It’s expensive. But I want that damn candy bar. Nothing stops the thoughts better than eating the candy bar. Then starts the obsessive shame thoughts. Shame on you. You didn’t need that. You shouldn’t have eaten that. The whole day is ruined now (more of that all or nothing thinking). You’re never going to lose any weight. Well, if you’ve already blown the day, why bother to exercise? In fact, why not run over to the market and get Ho Ho’s and chips and a soda? If the day is already ruined, why not live it up? You can always start over tomorrow.
Obsession touches every part of my life: money, weight loss, cleaning house, work, relationships, yard work, photography, blogging, planning, dreams for my future, and this list goes on. I have a hard time tackling small pieces of a project. I want to complete the whole project at once, or why start? I am not good with “baby steps/one step at a time”. This makes weight loss and debt reduction extremely difficult because you can’t lose a bunch of weight and pay off all your credit cards all at once (unless you win the lottery and since I don’t play I doubt I will be winning any time soon). It truly even makes keeping the house clean and the yard nice pretty difficult. Because you really have to have a large chunk of time and lots of energy simultaneously to achieve such a feat all at one time. It’s best to tackle one room at a time, or even one corner of a room or one drawer. If I could do this, I could probably clean out lots of junk I don’t need and de-clutter my life. But I really have a hard time only completing part of a task. I need to be able to break the large task down into smaller tasks and see completion each individual task as an end unto itself, and as success. For instance: tonight I will clean out the top drawer of my dresser. That is all. And be ok with that. Then another day I will clean out the second drawer and so on. Same with the yard. Today I will weed along the side of the house. That’s all. Not weed the front. Not mow the back. Not trim back the nasty berry bushes. Just weed the north side of the house. And completion of that single task equals success.
Embrace the gray. This is something I really want to try to work on. I feel that I have lost so much time in my life, that there are so many things I wish I would have done, hobbies I wish I would have had 15 years ago. But I can’t go back. I can only start with today and go forward. I hope to spend more time taking pictures, blogging, washing my car, playing Frisbee golf, and less time thinking I don’t have time or energy to do those things “right”. If all I have time for is a brief blog about my day, or a few photos of my yard, or vacuuming the car, or half a round of Frisbee golf, then that’s perfectly ok. It’s better than not doing it at all.
Love your honesty Mary!
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