Slow Down

Slow down. Find something enjoyable in everything I do. I can’t get back time, so make the most of each moment.

Today I weeded in my front yard. I tried to be aware of what I was doing, not let my mind wander away and do it’s usual bit of worrying, planning, list making. Instead, I focused on being present, being in the moment. Noticing my breath. Feeling the earth. Seeing my progress. Enjoying good music, fresh air, sun on my skin, a sense of accomplishment, sore muscles, how much nicer the yard looked when I finished. I worked on not doing what I usually do, which is constantly think about how long it’s taking, how I wish I was done, what I need to do when I am finished, what I would rather be doing. Right now, this moment, is my life. Don’t squander it. Be still, quiet my mind, notice the smell of the air, the blue of the sky, the texture of the dirt, the beauty of a ladybug, the peace of solitude.

I think everything I do has some positive aspect, something about I can find to enjoy. It’s easier with some things than others, obviously. And I won’t be perfect at it. Some days I will be more able than others to see the good. Some things take more effort to recognize. But I think it’s worth it to search for the positive, find the thing that makes whatever task I am working on enjoyable. It makes life more pleasant and peaceful, makes me feel more content and happy. Less resentful and frustrated. I’ll be more likely to get around to those tasks I normally procrastinate doing because I dread doing them. Wouldn’t my energy and time and thoughts be much better spent accomplishing my task joyfully rather than constantly worrying about how I'm not getting it done, dreading doing it, and berating myself for another day passing without getting it done?

Slow down. Take a deep breath. Don’t rush through everything. If I rush through everything, life will pass me by and I won’t have any memories. Take my time and notice what I am doing, how I am feeling, my environment, my thoughts. Don’t get so caught up in the big picture (how MANY weeds there are to be pulled). Focus attention on the little bit of soil I am working on now. One step at a time. Fully appreciate every moment I have, because time passes and I can’t ever get those moments back.

Before . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . After

Forgiveness

I am not good at forgiving. I’m just going to put that out there. I don’t think I’ve ever been good at it. I’ve been a grudge holder for as long as I can remember. Usually, once the line has been crossed, there is no turning back. When I’m done, I’m done. This is true for all relationships. Friends, family, work, boyfriends. Even myself.

I am looking at my thoughts and feelings on forgiveness and trying to put them into words. Understand them and describe them. Why do I hold grudges? Is it emotionally based? Is it intellectually based? Why is it so hard for me to forgive? What do I hope to accomplish by not forgiving? What’s in it for me? Because, as we all know, the only person I am really hurting when I am unforgiving is me. Do I really comprehend how much energy and time and power I spend, waste, give away? Intellectually I think I do. Emotionally, not so much. I think I believe that forgiveness needs to be deserved. Some things are just too bad, wrong, hurtful to deserve forgiveness. That to forgive is weak. That it is the easy way out, to give in and avoid conflict, avoid the inevitable confrontation that will arise when I stand up for myself and/or my beliefs and say enough is enough.

I have written before about my black and white thinking. I believe that factors in with forgiveness. Let’s use an example: When I meet a person, I hang back a bit and watch. If I like them, they get a label of Good. If not, then usually Bad. Some people I am just not interested in and they don't make either list at all. If they make the Good list, I put up with A LOT of bad behavior before they are moved to the Bad list. Once they hit the Bad list I usually hate them because by then they have hurt me quite a lot. A girlfriend I’ll call Jane landed on the Good list. I stayed friends with her for about two and a half years. Because she was on the Good list, I ignored things that didn't mesh with that label, like inappropriate clothing and behavior, suspicions about her relationship with a guy I had liked, possible lying, taking advantage of people and situations. Even when people (like my best friend) pointed out some of Jane's less attractive qualities, I still managed to gloss over them. She was on the Good list for heaven's sake. I wasn't (and wouldn't be now, at least not yet) capable of acknowledging negative traits in people who are on my Good list, so I found it easier to "not notice" them. Eventually something happened that I couldn't ignore. I started to notice things about her. Her immaturity, her selfishness, her self-absorption. And the lying and the inappropriate clothing that my best friend had tried to point out became more obvious. One too many things happened, and I snapped. She quickly shifted to the Bad list. Once that happened, I could hardly stand to be around her. By the time she had moved to the Bad list, she had said and done so many things to hurt me and disappoint me that I really hated her. And I haven't forgotten.

In this case, I let too much happen, too much bad feeling build up. Now forgiveness seems weak, inappropriate, and impossible. It would seem stupid when I know what kind of person she is. I would go in with eyes wide open, knowing things I didn’t know or refused to see the first time around. She has already proven, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that she is not a trustworthy person or a reliable friend. When she hurt me again, as I know she would, it would be no one’s fault by my own because I forgave her. Why would I want to forgive her? Why does she deserve to be forgiven? And why would I want her in my life?

When I am feeling unforgiving towards someone, I have generally been through a lot of hurt and disillusionment. I have put up with either a lot of bad behavior over a long period of time, or one hugely wrong event that was alone enough to cross the line. Part of me is still a little girl. I want the person to realize the enormity of what they have done and be sorry. Not just apologize, but truly be sorry and truly feel bad. I want them to miss me and wish they were still a part of my life. I want them to realize what a great person/friend/girlfriend I really am and realize what they lost. I want life to be fair. I want people to be nice to each other.

Maybe being unforgiving is a defense mechanism for me, a way to protect myself against known dangers. How can I retain this protection while letting go of the hurt?

Friday . . . Finally

I made it through Friday. Yay!! My second and final work seminar at the college is over. I’m kind of sad about that. I really enjoyed it and it made me remember why I love going to school so much. Especially when I have a good teacher like Steve. When we got back to the office I was talking with one of my co-workers, Rachel, that was also in the seminar. She has a Bachelor’s degree in Business and we were talking about the kinds of classes she had to take and how similar they are to what we did this morning. She had to do the same kinds of exercises and fill out lots of personality profiles as part of her classes and I thought, wow how similar that is to some of the classes I took for my degree in Psychology. I think a degree in Business would complement my Psychology degree really well and be useful in the future. So I’m thinking about maybe going back to college and getting my Bachelor’s degree in Business. I noticed a flyer up in the hallway of the building where our seminar was held that said something about getting a Bachelor’s in Business Management without leaving town. Too bad I didn’t look more carefully at it. I’ll search online and if I can’t find anything, I will just go back up to the college and look at the flyer again. Hopefully it will still be on that same bulletin board!! I can take my camera with me and take some pictures. They are in the process of building a new Library and Student Center complex so I can take some photos of that as well as some general shots of campus.

I’m really tired tonight and so glad it’s the weekend. But I was thinking back to last Friday afternoon, after our first seminar, and realizing that I feel SO MUCH better than I did then. I guess that means I am getting better. Which is good. I think if I take it easy and rest this weekend I should pretty much be back to normal. I can start back up with my treadmill that I’ve been neglecting the past week. Ed and I went out to dinner tonight at Club Calpella. It’s one of my favorite restaurants and they have the best Chef Salad there. One of my friends at work had a salad for lunch which got me thinking about The Club so I mentioned it to Ed when I got home. He said that it sounded good to him too so we went. We both had deep fried mushrooms as an appetizer. I had the Chef Salad and he had hamburger steak filled with cheese and topped with sautéed mushrooms. We both ate too much but it was soooo good. Yum!

Thursday Randomness

Thank goodness it's almost Friday. I love Thursday nights because Vampire Diaries is on. Ed and I watched the new episode and it was a good one – I think it sets up a new, interesting story line. Tomorrow I will spend the first half of my work day at the college attending a seminar on teamwork and communication with the rest of the Admin division employees. This is our second and final session. Last Friday morning we attended the first session. It was good information and I love school. As an added bonus, our teacher is someone I've taken several classes from in the past and he's a great teacher. It was nice to see him again.

This Sunday is the SuperBowl. We don't have TV service, but I'm hoping we'll be able to pick it up on our antenna. I'm not much of a football fan, but I do enjoy the commercials and the halftime show. This year The Black Eyed Peas will be performing at halftime, and Ed really likes them a lot. I might get some chips and dip and other munchy things and we can be couch potatoes and watch the big game. I usually root for the team with the best uniforms.

I'm looking forward to the weekend when I can sleep in and relax. I haven't been feeling very well the past week. I've had a little fever and it really zaps my energy. I'm hoping if I take it easy this weekend, I will be able to kick whatever I've got and feel back to normal by Monday. The weather has been so nice here that I feel like I'm wasting good days not feeling well. I want to get out and take some pictures, go for a walk, play some Frisbee golf, hike, or just sit out in the warm sunshine. I've been thinking about all my friends and family back east that are being hit with the blizzard and hoping they are all safe and warm.