I am not good at forgiving. I’m just going to put that out there. I don’t think I’ve ever been good at it. I’ve been a grudge holder for as long as I can remember. Usually, once the line has been crossed, there is no turning back. When I’m done, I’m done. This is true for all relationships. Friends, family, work, boyfriends. Even myself.
I am looking at my thoughts and feelings on forgiveness and trying to put them into words. Understand them and describe them. Why do I hold grudges? Is it emotionally based? Is it intellectually based? Why is it so hard for me to forgive? What do I hope to accomplish by not forgiving? What’s in it for me? Because, as we all know, the only person I am really hurting when I am unforgiving is me. Do I really comprehend how much energy and time and power I spend, waste, give away? Intellectually I think I do. Emotionally, not so much. I think I believe that forgiveness needs to be deserved. Some things are just too bad, wrong, hurtful to deserve forgiveness. That to forgive is weak. That it is the easy way out, to give in and avoid conflict, avoid the inevitable confrontation that will arise when I stand up for myself and/or my beliefs and say enough is enough.
I have written before about my black and white thinking. I believe that factors in with forgiveness. Let’s use an example: When I meet a person, I hang back a bit and watch. If I like them, they get a label of Good. If not, then usually Bad. Some people I am just not interested in and they don't make either list at all. If they make the Good list, I put up with A LOT of bad behavior before they are moved to the Bad list. Once they hit the Bad list I usually hate them because by then they have hurt me quite a lot. A girlfriend I’ll call Jane landed on the Good list. I stayed friends with her for about two and a half years. Because she was on the Good list, I ignored things that didn't mesh with that label, like inappropriate clothing and behavior, suspicions about her relationship with a guy I had liked, possible lying, taking advantage of people and situations. Even when people (like my best friend) pointed out some of Jane's less attractive qualities, I still managed to gloss over them. She was on the Good list for heaven's sake. I wasn't (and wouldn't be now, at least not yet) capable of acknowledging negative traits in people who are on my Good list, so I found it easier to "not notice" them. Eventually something happened that I couldn't ignore. I started to notice things about her. Her immaturity, her selfishness, her self-absorption. And the lying and the inappropriate clothing that my best friend had tried to point out became more obvious. One too many things happened, and I snapped. She quickly shifted to the Bad list. Once that happened, I could hardly stand to be around her. By the time she had moved to the Bad list, she had said and done so many things to hurt me and disappoint me that I really hated her. And I haven't forgotten.
In this case, I let too much happen, too much bad feeling build up. Now forgiveness seems weak, inappropriate, and impossible. It would seem stupid when I know what kind of person she is. I would go in with eyes wide open, knowing things I didn’t know or refused to see the first time around. She has already proven, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that she is not a trustworthy person or a reliable friend. When she hurt me again, as I know she would, it would be no one’s fault by my own because I forgave her. Why would I want to forgive her? Why does she deserve to be forgiven? And why would I want her in my life?
When I am feeling unforgiving towards someone, I have generally been through a lot of hurt and disillusionment. I have put up with either a lot of bad behavior over a long period of time, or one hugely wrong event that was alone enough to cross the line. Part of me is still a little girl. I want the person to realize the enormity of what they have done and be sorry. Not just apologize, but truly be sorry and truly feel bad. I want them to miss me and wish they were still a part of my life. I want them to realize what a great person/friend/girlfriend I really am and realize what they lost. I want life to be fair. I want people to be nice to each other.
Maybe being unforgiving is a defense mechanism for me, a way to protect myself against known dangers. How can I retain this protection while letting go of the hurt?
I have written before about my black and white thinking. I believe that factors in with forgiveness. Let’s use an example: When I meet a person, I hang back a bit and watch. If I like them, they get a label of Good. If not, then usually Bad. Some people I am just not interested in and they don't make either list at all. If they make the Good list, I put up with A LOT of bad behavior before they are moved to the Bad list. Once they hit the Bad list I usually hate them because by then they have hurt me quite a lot. A girlfriend I’ll call Jane landed on the Good list. I stayed friends with her for about two and a half years. Because she was on the Good list, I ignored things that didn't mesh with that label, like inappropriate clothing and behavior, suspicions about her relationship with a guy I had liked, possible lying, taking advantage of people and situations. Even when people (like my best friend) pointed out some of Jane's less attractive qualities, I still managed to gloss over them. She was on the Good list for heaven's sake. I wasn't (and wouldn't be now, at least not yet) capable of acknowledging negative traits in people who are on my Good list, so I found it easier to "not notice" them. Eventually something happened that I couldn't ignore. I started to notice things about her. Her immaturity, her selfishness, her self-absorption. And the lying and the inappropriate clothing that my best friend had tried to point out became more obvious. One too many things happened, and I snapped. She quickly shifted to the Bad list. Once that happened, I could hardly stand to be around her. By the time she had moved to the Bad list, she had said and done so many things to hurt me and disappoint me that I really hated her. And I haven't forgotten.
In this case, I let too much happen, too much bad feeling build up. Now forgiveness seems weak, inappropriate, and impossible. It would seem stupid when I know what kind of person she is. I would go in with eyes wide open, knowing things I didn’t know or refused to see the first time around. She has already proven, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that she is not a trustworthy person or a reliable friend. When she hurt me again, as I know she would, it would be no one’s fault by my own because I forgave her. Why would I want to forgive her? Why does she deserve to be forgiven? And why would I want her in my life?
When I am feeling unforgiving towards someone, I have generally been through a lot of hurt and disillusionment. I have put up with either a lot of bad behavior over a long period of time, or one hugely wrong event that was alone enough to cross the line. Part of me is still a little girl. I want the person to realize the enormity of what they have done and be sorry. Not just apologize, but truly be sorry and truly feel bad. I want them to miss me and wish they were still a part of my life. I want them to realize what a great person/friend/girlfriend I really am and realize what they lost. I want life to be fair. I want people to be nice to each other.
Maybe being unforgiving is a defense mechanism for me, a way to protect myself against known dangers. How can I retain this protection while letting go of the hurt?
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