Rules

Rules. Rules are everywhere. I have lived my life a prisoner to rules. Some rules I agree with wholeheartedly. Most laws for instance. There is a reason most laws are in place – generally to keep people, animals, the environment from harm and pain. The rest of the rules, these rules that reside inside my head and govern my thoughts, my emotions, my life – where did they come from? I can't always answer this question. Some are religious rules, others are rules instilled by family and other authority figures from my childhood, others still from my career life. Some I am not aware of yet. Nevertheless the rules are there, potentially making me anxious, angry, guilty, fearful. Sometimes I am even fearful of someone else getting caught breaking some arbitrary rule that lives in my head. What an exhausting way to navigate life, always worried that I will break a rule and "be in trouble".

As I have begun to take an in depth look at my complex, interwoven system of rules, I realize that not all the rules I live with make sense in my current life. Maybe they filled a need in childhood or some other situation, but that need no longer exists. When I obstinately hold on to these rules I create anxiety and stress for myself, and I certainly don't need any help with that. I am working on being more aware of what ingrained rules I carry with me. The first step for me is awareness. Some of them are so old, so automatic that I don't even realize they are there. They aren't a "rule" to my mind. They are REALITY. I am learning to slow down and really think about my reactions, why I feel or think a certain way about something. Maybe it isn't actually REALITY. Maybe there is another way, a healthier and happier way. Is my automatic thought or feeling a snap reaction to a long-held and never-challenged rule, or is it a true reflection of what I think and feel? If it is an ingrained rule, does it serve me well? Does it uphold my values? Does it spare myself and others pain? If the answer is mostly yes, then the rule probably works for me. If the answer is no, why am I holding on so tightly to a belief that is most likely not only useless, but a hindrance to me? If the answer is I don’t know, then that is a rule I can take my time with and consider further.

In addition, whenever possible I am trying to take into consideration the source, where the rule originated. Is this a source, a person or an institution, I respect? Do I find the source reliable, intelligent, fair, consistent with my values? If the rule comes from a source that I have no respect for, then I have no requirements to internalize that rule. Of course I can choose to follow a rule if it fits me and my value system on it's own merit, regardless of the source. It's a balancing act. However, I am no longer going to blindly assimilate rules simply because someone says "this is a rule and you must follow it". If I do not respect the source, and the rule is not useful to me, I am not required to mindlessly obey. This is especially true in instances where I may have to show outward signs of obeying a rule in certain limited situations, but I need not internalize the rule and apply it to my life in general.

What it ultimately should come down to is this: what works for ME? What do I believe? How will I choose to live? Who am I and what do I believe? As an adult, I have the right to decide who I am, what I believe, how I will live. And I deserve to make these decisions independently, for myself rather than structuring my world on someone else's concept of what I should do, say, be. I am my own person. I am a valuable employee. I am a great friend. I am a beautiful person. I deserve to be happy. I no longer need an over abundance of rules to make sure I am toeing the line.

Exercise ~ Week Eleven

In two days, I will have completed eleven weeks of continuous daily exercise. I have still not missed a single day. That fact in itself motivates me every single day. I love being able to say “I haven’t missed a day in eleven weeks”. I never want today to be the day I ruin it. So on the treadmill I go and do my thirty minutes or my forty-five minutes or my hour. I haven’t progressed to doing an hour very often, at least not yet. Forty-five is my standard. On days that I have time and I feel really good, I do an hour. On days that I am feeling slow and achy, I do thirty. For a week I did some yoga to start strengthening my abs and my back, but I hurt myself a bit working in the yard so I’ve had to stop doing those exercises for awhile. It’s a bummer, because it did really feel like my abs were getting a great workout. I’ll get back to it when my body heals. In addition, I’d really like to add in some Wii Fit time at least once a week, maybe twice and also once a week or so do something a bit challenging like hiking or a bit of jogging. I just want to push the level up a little once in awhile to start building up my endurance and strength. I want to do some different things so I’m not always working all the exact same muscles, to work different muscles than those that get worked on the treadmill. I want to mix it up so that, for instance, the next time I work in the yard I’m not sore for five days afterwards. I am surprised to be this sore since I have been working out. Obviously I don’t use my currently sore muscles when I walk. And it seems to be taking an inordinate amount of time to heal. Very irritating.

Worrying

I am trying something that two different teachers tried to teach me at very different points in my academic career. My sophomore English teacher, the incomparable Mr. Ron Ford who I was lucky enough to have as my senior English teacher as well, began each class with a quote or thought on the board (my favorite is still "Anything worth doing is worth doing well"). We were to seat ourselves at our desk and use the first ten minutes of class time writing about that topic or one of our own choosing. In college I was lucky enough to take Creative Writing from Nancy McLelland (http://www.adobehouseartists.com/nm/html/about.html). One of the semester requirements was to write every day. Every. Single. Day. We were to keep a journal, diary, log, however we chose to view it. The subject could be whatever we wanted ~ a novel we were working on, typical diary entries, opinions regarding current events, short stories, poetry, any combination we so chose. She didn't require us to turn this writing in, just that we put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) every day. I realize now that this is exactly what Mr. Ford was trying to get us to do as teens. I think it's a great idea, and something every writer should do. At least this writer should do. I don't always want to write about what is on my mind or heart because I may have lived with the feelings all day. I will often use this excuse to NOT write, because I just can't face more analysis of whatever topic has been with me that day. Since I am too chicken to call Mr. Ford and find out where he got his terrific daily thoughts in the pre-internet world, I decided to find a website that offered something similar. So begins my "thought of the day" blogging. Wish me luck that I can stick with it, at least a couple times a week if not every day. Whenever possible, I will reference the author of the quote. And wish me hope that soon I will have the courage to call Mr. Ford and pick his brain about where I can find even more thoughts/quotes to fuel my writing!

Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy. ~ Leo Buscaglia
I love Leo Buscaglia!! He wrote great things about love and relationships. You should read his books. Anyway, I realize that this quote sort of fits with what I said about not always wanting to write about what has been with me all day, because sometimes those things are worries and stress. I would do well to remember this quote. Very wise. I've also heard something like "Worry is interest paid on trouble before it comes due.” (W.R. Inge). I should try remembering that usually these things I worry about never come to pass. Therefore, all that worry and misery for nothing. All that stress and obsessing, assuming that I am trying to prepare myself for the "crisis" when all I'm really doing is tainting this moment with negative, unhappy energy. If we spend our time with regrets over yesterday, and worries over what might happen tomorrow, we have no today in which to live (unknown author). I am so guilty of this practice. I need to stop obsessing about mistakes I made in the past and stressing about the "maybes" of tomorrow and learn to enjoy TODAY. Because, really, today is all we have. Yesterday is past, the future is uncertain, but today is a gift. That's why it's called the present. I want to be more carefree, enjoying each moment for the moment, in the moment. Obviously I expect to learn from the past, from the mistakes I have made. I expect to plan for the future. But there is no reason to worry and obsess so extensively. Worry often gives a small thing a big shadow.

Worry is like a rocking chair – it gives you something to do but it doesn't get you anywhere (unknown author). I want to go somewhere, do things, experience life. I want to have fun, let the wind blow through my hair, smell the autumn air, listen to moving music, eat delicious food, dance, laugh, love, enjoy, smile, experience the fullness of life. I don't expect to be free from worry and regrets. But I do believe that I am capable of learning to let the majority of it go. I also believe that I deserve to be happier and freer that I am now. I believe that I am the jailer of my happiness. I am the culprit. My mind keeps me incarcerated with obsessive and anxious thoughts, always expecting the worst, believing the worst is happening right now.

I used to worry about what life was for - now being alive seems sufficient reason. ~ Joanna Field
I wish I would have read this quote when I got divorced. I struggled for months, maybe a couple of years, to get to the point where I lived life with this philosophy. I struggled with religion, spirituality, loss, loneliness, failure, the past, the present, the now. I wondered what it was all for. I finally healed enough to come to my own version of this quote ~ the purpose of life is to enjoy it, to do that which makes me happy, the only boundary being not harming others in the process. What a freeing thought!! I would like to get back to living my life that way today.

There is a great difference between worry and concern. A worried person sees a problem, and a concerned person solves a problem. ~ Harold Stephens
Great distinction ~ a worrier obsesses about what might happen, how awful might it be. A concerned person sees a challenge, a riddle to be solved.

Every evening I turn my worries over to God. He's going to be up all night anyway. ~ Mary C. Crowley
I'm not particularly religious, but I do believe in God and this one made me smile.
God will, in fact, be up all night. Why not give Him your worries (and mine) and have a peaceful night's rest? Not such a bad idea.