Rules. Rules are everywhere. I have lived my life a prisoner to rules. Some rules I agree with wholeheartedly. Most laws for instance. There is a reason most laws are in place – generally to keep people, animals, the environment from harm and pain. The rest of the rules, these rules that reside inside my head and govern my thoughts, my emotions, my life – where did they come from? I can't always answer this question. Some are religious rules, others are rules instilled by family and other authority figures from my childhood, others still from my career life. Some I am not aware of yet. Nevertheless the rules are there, potentially making me anxious, angry, guilty, fearful. Sometimes I am even fearful of someone else getting caught breaking some arbitrary rule that lives in my head. What an exhausting way to navigate life, always worried that I will break a rule and "be in trouble".
As I have begun to take an in depth look at my complex, interwoven system of rules, I realize that not all the rules I live with make sense in my current life. Maybe they filled a need in childhood or some other situation, but that need no longer exists. When I obstinately hold on to these rules I create anxiety and stress for myself, and I certainly don't need any help with that. I am working on being more aware of what ingrained rules I carry with me. The first step for me is awareness. Some of them are so old, so automatic that I don't even realize they are there. They aren't a "rule" to my mind. They are REALITY. I am learning to slow down and really think about my reactions, why I feel or think a certain way about something. Maybe it isn't actually REALITY. Maybe there is another way, a healthier and happier way. Is my automatic thought or feeling a snap reaction to a long-held and never-challenged rule, or is it a true reflection of what I think and feel? If it is an ingrained rule, does it serve me well? Does it uphold my values? Does it spare myself and others pain? If the answer is mostly yes, then the rule probably works for me. If the answer is no, why am I holding on so tightly to a belief that is most likely not only useless, but a hindrance to me? If the answer is I don’t know, then that is a rule I can take my time with and consider further.
In addition, whenever possible I am trying to take into consideration the source, where the rule originated. Is this a source, a person or an institution, I respect? Do I find the source reliable, intelligent, fair, consistent with my values? If the rule comes from a source that I have no respect for, then I have no requirements to internalize that rule. Of course I can choose to follow a rule if it fits me and my value system on it's own merit, regardless of the source. It's a balancing act. However, I am no longer going to blindly assimilate rules simply because someone says "this is a rule and you must follow it". If I do not respect the source, and the rule is not useful to me, I am not required to mindlessly obey. This is especially true in instances where I may have to show outward signs of obeying a rule in certain limited situations, but I need not internalize the rule and apply it to my life in general.
What it ultimately should come down to is this: what works for ME? What do I believe? How will I choose to live? Who am I and what do I believe? As an adult, I have the right to decide who I am, what I believe, how I will live. And I deserve to make these decisions independently, for myself rather than structuring my world on someone else's concept of what I should do, say, be. I am my own person. I am a valuable employee. I am a great friend. I am a beautiful person. I deserve to be happy. I no longer need an over abundance of rules to make sure I am toeing the line.
As I have begun to take an in depth look at my complex, interwoven system of rules, I realize that not all the rules I live with make sense in my current life. Maybe they filled a need in childhood or some other situation, but that need no longer exists. When I obstinately hold on to these rules I create anxiety and stress for myself, and I certainly don't need any help with that. I am working on being more aware of what ingrained rules I carry with me. The first step for me is awareness. Some of them are so old, so automatic that I don't even realize they are there. They aren't a "rule" to my mind. They are REALITY. I am learning to slow down and really think about my reactions, why I feel or think a certain way about something. Maybe it isn't actually REALITY. Maybe there is another way, a healthier and happier way. Is my automatic thought or feeling a snap reaction to a long-held and never-challenged rule, or is it a true reflection of what I think and feel? If it is an ingrained rule, does it serve me well? Does it uphold my values? Does it spare myself and others pain? If the answer is mostly yes, then the rule probably works for me. If the answer is no, why am I holding on so tightly to a belief that is most likely not only useless, but a hindrance to me? If the answer is I don’t know, then that is a rule I can take my time with and consider further.
In addition, whenever possible I am trying to take into consideration the source, where the rule originated. Is this a source, a person or an institution, I respect? Do I find the source reliable, intelligent, fair, consistent with my values? If the rule comes from a source that I have no respect for, then I have no requirements to internalize that rule. Of course I can choose to follow a rule if it fits me and my value system on it's own merit, regardless of the source. It's a balancing act. However, I am no longer going to blindly assimilate rules simply because someone says "this is a rule and you must follow it". If I do not respect the source, and the rule is not useful to me, I am not required to mindlessly obey. This is especially true in instances where I may have to show outward signs of obeying a rule in certain limited situations, but I need not internalize the rule and apply it to my life in general.
What it ultimately should come down to is this: what works for ME? What do I believe? How will I choose to live? Who am I and what do I believe? As an adult, I have the right to decide who I am, what I believe, how I will live. And I deserve to make these decisions independently, for myself rather than structuring my world on someone else's concept of what I should do, say, be. I am my own person. I am a valuable employee. I am a great friend. I am a beautiful person. I deserve to be happy. I no longer need an over abundance of rules to make sure I am toeing the line.
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