Lost

I've been feeling lost lately. I'm even dreaming about it. Last night I had this dream where I was in a big city, wandering around lost. Lots of cars and city streets and confusing freeways and stoplights and trains . . . very overwhelming. All the street corners looked the same, each one with an glass enclosed metal stairway to a second floor train platform. I had parked my car somewhere and gone on foot, using the trains. Apparently I hadn't paid any attention to landmarks or anything at all aside from the train stairways, and because every corner had this glass and metal staircase they all looked the same. I could stand and turn in a circle and all views looked the same. After traveling the city for awhile I realized I was lost in this big place. I needed to get back to my car. It was going to be dark soon and I didn't know where I was or how to get back to my car. I was trying desperately to get back to my car but couldn't find it. It was vital that I find my car . . . I can't remember why, but I do remember that I really needed to get back to the car. I feel vaguely like there were important things IN the car and also it was my place of safety and power. If I could just get back to the car, I would be OK and would be able to find my way home. The longer I looked for it and couldn't find it, the more anxious I got. I didn't know if I was getting closer to or farther away from my goal, or was I going in circles? There were other people there, trying to help me, but it was no help. Should we split up or stay together, keep going or give up? There were dark tunnels that I had to fumble my way through alone, pushing on even though I was scared. There were also busy, people filled areas but those local people were no help because I didn't know what to ask for. I wasn't familiar with the city, the streets, the buildings, and I didn't know where I had parked the car so I couldn't just say, "Could you tell me where such-and-such street is?" I felt completely alone and afraid and panicky. Even though a couple of people were trying to help me, I wasn't getting anywhere. One of the people trying to help me was my boyfriend. We got separated – he stayed at the last train station I had been in when I went searching for the car – and even though we both had cell phones I couldn't call him because I couldn't figure out how to use his new phone. I feel like the dream was so full of symbols. Lost, wandering, losing my drive (car), everything seeming the same no matter where I look, people all around but feeling alone, feeling hopeless and ineffectual (not being able to use the new cell phone). I woke up from this dream feeling profoundly upset and scared. It took me several hours curled up under the covers to feel semi-normal enough to face the day. It's amazing to me how much a dream can affect my waking state, even though my logical mind KNOWS it wasn't real. The emotions stay with me anyway.

I feel like the dream is tied to my life lately. I really want to do something different with my life, but I can't seem to get anything going. I'd like to move to a new town, like to lose weight, like to start being more active and social. But I don't seem motivated. I have no patience for waiting for things to unfold. I just WANT. IT. NOW. I am working on this obsession with "getting it done now" and instead trying to enjoy the journey. There is something to be gained, learned, enjoyed, experienced in every step along the way and if I rush through everything (or get scared and panicky like in my dream) I will miss a lot. I guess I need to accept that the first step is having a seed of desire to try something new, and I do have that much. For now I want to try to enjoy the time I do have here, my childhood home, where my friends and family are. Amazingly, there are lots of things I still haven't seen and done here even though I have lived here all but two years of my life. For now I will try to make my goal enjoying this area, seeing it as though through the eyes of a visitor or new resident. The way I imagine I will probably see the new place I will move to someday. I will explore, take photographs, journal, and enjoy this place I have called home for 35 years. Being satisfied with where I am is a choice. It means choosing to see the good, fun, beautiful things I have here. It means choosing to really SEE the town when I drive to work, the grocery store, or Wal-Mart. It means engaging with people here, friends, family, and strangers. Being satisfied does not mean I have to give up my dream of moving. It doesn't mean that I want to or will stay here forever. I can be satisfied and happy while yearning for an adventure in a new town someday in my future.