Today I made it out of my bedroom. In fact, I made it out of the house. But it feels wrong. I don't want to drive in the car with the sunroof open and the windows down, even though it is a truly gorgeous day. I don’t want to go outside to do my walks. I just want to sit at my desk, hide in my corner, and focus on my work. The beautiful blue sky, the sunshiny, springy feel in the air seem wrong to me. It should be dark and cloudy like I feel. I would feel less out of place on a stormy day, because that’s how my head and heart feel . . . stormy, gloomy. If I go outside in the fresh, crisp, sparkly, spring-like weather, I feel like I should be happy and smiling and full of energy. It only serves to make my gloomy mood stand out even more, at least to me. So I skip my walk, which in retrospect was probably a terrible idea. I very likely desperately needed the mood boost.
Everything feels surreal. I feel fragile and fake and dreamlike at break and lunch as I try to engage in normal conversation. No matter how hard I try, I feel awkward. I feel separated from myself, looking in, wondering if my friends think I am acting strange or notice that I am different. I skip my afternoon break altogether because I feel safer, more comfortable being in my cubicle. So I sit at my desk and focus on my work which helps tune out the feelings. But I feel like I'm in a bubble, like my mind is floating in lukewarm, murky water. I am not functioning on all cylinders. I know part of this is because I am trying so hard to keep the thoughts out until I can go home and let my guard down. I am blocking out part of my mind. I feel like I have to to make it through the day. I really need more time to just "be", just be alone with my feelings and thoughts and memories, to work through them.
I hope that I won't be so good at blocking out the feelings that I revert into denial. I don't want to do that. Sometimes that feels like the easy way out. But in the long run that will only make things more difficult. I know the longer I hold on, the worse it will get and the harder it will be to work through. I need to learn how to balance the living of life with my need to work through the difficult memories and feelings. I need to learn how to deal with these memories and feelings without it debilitating me, incapacitating me. I want to work through this now, however messy and painful and lonely and bleak it may be. Because that is the only way to truly put it behind me. I want to leave this in the past, leave behind the regret and the pain and move on into a sunny, happy future. I'm tired of hurting, of holding on to the resentment and anger. It's not hurting anyone but me.
Everything feels surreal. I feel fragile and fake and dreamlike at break and lunch as I try to engage in normal conversation. No matter how hard I try, I feel awkward. I feel separated from myself, looking in, wondering if my friends think I am acting strange or notice that I am different. I skip my afternoon break altogether because I feel safer, more comfortable being in my cubicle. So I sit at my desk and focus on my work which helps tune out the feelings. But I feel like I'm in a bubble, like my mind is floating in lukewarm, murky water. I am not functioning on all cylinders. I know part of this is because I am trying so hard to keep the thoughts out until I can go home and let my guard down. I am blocking out part of my mind. I feel like I have to to make it through the day. I really need more time to just "be", just be alone with my feelings and thoughts and memories, to work through them.
I hope that I won't be so good at blocking out the feelings that I revert into denial. I don't want to do that. Sometimes that feels like the easy way out. But in the long run that will only make things more difficult. I know the longer I hold on, the worse it will get and the harder it will be to work through. I need to learn how to balance the living of life with my need to work through the difficult memories and feelings. I need to learn how to deal with these memories and feelings without it debilitating me, incapacitating me. I want to work through this now, however messy and painful and lonely and bleak it may be. Because that is the only way to truly put it behind me. I want to leave this in the past, leave behind the regret and the pain and move on into a sunny, happy future. I'm tired of hurting, of holding on to the resentment and anger. It's not hurting anyone but me.
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