I Am . . . .

Human
Female
In Love
Thirty-Five Years Old
Tall
Brunette
Loyal
Honest
Trustworthy
Funny
Smart
Creative
Imaginative
Curious
Observant
Fun
Kind
Shy
Insecure
Interesting
Moody
Emotional
Expressive
Opinionated
Passionate
Reserved
Quiet
Reflective
Introspective
Obsessive
Particular
Analytical
Literal
American
Californian
Employed
Alive
A College Graduate
A Friend
A Daughter
A Sister
An Aunt
An Animal Lover
A Honda Lover
A Cat Owner and Lover
A Disney Fan
A Romantic
A Dreamer
A Thinker
A Philosophizer
A Homebody
A Perfectionist

My Life Wish List ~ AKA The Bucket List

As of today, Saturday August 14th, 2010, the following is a list of things I would like to experience and/or accomplish in my life. When I have the satisfaction of fulfilling one of my wishes, I will make a note of it by posting the happy completion date after the entry. Check back as I am quite certain that the list will change as time passes.

Experiences:
Meet Desmond Morris and Have an "In-Person" Discussion with Him
Ride in a Hot Air Balloon
Skydiving
Parasailing
Snowboarding
Show Shoeing
Drive a Ferrari (MT)
Drive an Audi R8 (MT)


Learn:
To Play Piano
Sewing
Crocheting
Knitting
Sign Language
Relearn Spanish
Ride a Motorcycle


Travel To:
New York
Italy
England

Lake Como
Egyptian Pyramids
Washington D.C.
Mediterranean ~ Greece etc.
Grand Canyon
Yosemite
Flaming Gorge, Utah


Other:
Earn a Degree in Technical Writing
Earn a Master's Degree
Become a Blogger
Regularly Take Photographs

Move out of California

Exercise ~ Week Thirteen/Month Three

This coming Friday will be the end of week thirteen (and it's Friday the 13th!) and Sunday will be the end of month three. I am so excited that I am still working out every day. In eighty-seven straight days I have missed only once, because I was sick in bed. Not too shabby for someone who usually can’t stick with an exercise plan beyond the first two weeks. Yay for Mary!! I have also in the last week graduated to sixty minute sessions, which was the original goal I set out for myself. I had managed a few hour long walks here and there over the past couple of months, but they were few and far between. I started off with twenty minute sessions, and moved up to thirty. I stuck with thirty for awhile, doing twenty minutes on days I was tired or hurting, or just short on time. Then I increased to forty-five minutes, and thirty was my "short" session. I did the forty-five minute sessions for several weeks before I was able to do an occasional hour. If I was able to do a longer session one day, I didn't require myself to continue that workout duration unless my body felt good enough to repeat it the following day. So basically I just let my body tell me when it was ready to do more. As I felt good, I gradually increased my time. I didn't set timelines or dates for myself. I let it happen naturally. I decided right from the start that one of my downfalls in the past was forcing myself through sessions that were simply too long and difficult for my fitness level. As a result I was overly sore and exhausted, got burned out after a few days, and became very good at thinking up reasons to skip sessions. This time I didn't want to make that mistake, and that is why I decided to start off gentler. The twenty minute sessions seemed like such a short workout, but looking back it was the right thing to do. Here I stand, looking back over my thirteen weeks and I can be proud that I have stuck with it, and in a natural progression I have achieved my goal of regular hour long workouts. Double Yay for Mary!!

Another thing that has really been obvious lately is how much more often I hit my rhythm. About five minutes into a session, I feel the warmth spreading throughout my body and mind. I feel happy, can feel my body and mind relax, and I start to think more positive thoughts, relive happy memories, ponder my exciting future. I feel my muscles working, sometimes hard, and I am coming to enjoy that feeling. I have been told many times that some people truly love exercising. They love the way it makes them feel, both during the workout and afterwards. I always thought these people were possibly nuts, that any normal person would not love torturing themselves, and that certainly anything called "working" out would be . . . well . . . work. I realize now that I am enjoying exactly this euphoric experience. I enjoy the high. I enjoy the feeling of my body working and moving and getting strong. I enjoy how I feel when I finish a session, both emotionally and physically. My body is tired, but in the best way. I feel good about myself, proud of my discipline, excited about my improving fitness level. My mind is clear and I feel happier, freer. It's such a wonderful way to transition from a stressful work day, to recharge my batteries and release the tension I have carried home with me. I get to sweat out all the negativity, push it out of my mind and my muscles. Afterwards I shower and wash all that sweat and tension and stress away, and then I can properly enjoy my time at home. All in all, I am very pleased with how well my lifestyle change is progressing. In less than a week it will have been three full months. I am so grateful that I got the boost I needed to get started (thank you Vickie) and for the support and encouragement and praise I have received all along the way (thank you ♥ Ed ♥).

Here's to another successful thirteen weeks/three months!!

Never Take Him for Granted

Lately I have been noticing how wonderful my boyfriend has been through all my new exercise mania. He is the perfect mix of supportive and encouraging. There is never any heavy-handed bossiness or pushiness, nor any complaints about the daily time it takes. He reminds me often how proud he is of me and how he admires my determination to get a session in every day. When I finish a daily session he’ll ask how long I worked out and tell me what a good job I am doing. As I have increased the length of my daily sessions he tells me how impressed he is with my drive and my increasing stamina. It's wonderful to bask in that acknowledgement and appreciation after working hard ~ an added bonus to completing another session. He does all this without ever making me feel like he is thinking or feeling that I “need to be” or “should be” exercising. He never nags at me before I exercise about whether I will get to it that day. He has also taken an interest in making sure that I have healthy foods in the house and for the lunches I take to work. He is trying to help me expand my horizons with fruits and other foods I have never tried before. In addition, he is always trying to think of clever snacks that will give me that dessert feeling, but are not full of calories and fat. It's obvious that he puts a lot of thought and effort into making sure that I have foods that are healthy but still satisfying. I never feel pushed by him, never feel that he is trying to act as an enforcer or a trainer. He is always just there, being my biggest fan, my most vocal supporter, my most comforting encourager.

I appreciate more than he probably realizes that he has approached my attempt at this new lifestyle in such a generous way. I would not respond well to bossy reminders such as “Don’t forget to work out today” or “It’s getting late, are you planning on working out today?” or "Don't eat too much, you might regret it later". Remarks like these would irritate me and bring out my stubborn side. They might have the effect of taking the wind out my sails. While he probably knows me well enough to know that these types of comments would provoke stubborn Mary, the truth is he just doesn't ever treat me that way. I am grateful to have someone in my life that I can depend on to just be there, to support me in whatever it is I want to do, to encourage me when he senses I need it, and to back off when sensing I need space. It's amazing to me what a difference it makes knowing that I have that support, that he loves me just as I am, that he wants me to do whatever it is that makes me happy. Having that security allows me to try new things, to grow, to experiment, even to fail, because I know he'll love me no matter what. He'll always be there to hold me, to help me up, and encourage me to start again. I have not always been so lucky, and I never want to take him for granted. So if I haven’t said it before, or if I haven't said it often enough, thank you babe. Thank you for being my best friend, my cheering section, my counselor, my shoulder to cry on. You are the best. I am the luckiest girl to have you in my life. I love you! ♥ ♥

Procrastination

Today I was thinking about how I am a procrastinator. I was born this way. In school I put assignments off to the last minute and then crammed the two nights before to crank out the paper or cram for the exam. At home I will think tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow and then be irritated at the mess. Even at work, I will put the least savory duty at the bottom of the pile. I always manage to get the task done, but I . . . . procrastinate. When I think about all this, I realize how dumb it is to put these unpleasant duties off. All I do is prolong the period of time in which I obsess about the fact that they need to be done, worry about whether I will manage to get them done with the level of quality I expect of myself AND done on time. I dread the time I will have to waste, I mean spend, completing the task. Rather stupid, right? If I simply cleared my mind of all these unpleasant thoughts and accomplished the task right off, I would save myself all the hours of stress and negativity I spend thinking about having to do it, wishing I didn't have to do it. I mean, the reality is that I have to spend the time accomplishing the task whether I do it right now or I do it at the last possible minute. So why spend hours or days between right now and the last possible minute obsessing? Just get it done, and have that time free to think about other, more happy things. Like pizza. Or Disneyland. Anyway . . .

The reason I was musing about procrastination today is that I was engaging in it this afternoon. I got home from work today and I knew that exercise was a must. I knew I would do it without a doubt as I do every other day. But I was dreading it. As it is Friday (thank God) and I can sleep in tomorrow, I can be a bit more flexible about when I begin today's session. I change out of the clothes I have worn all day and put on more comfortable ones. This is where the procrastinating begins. I sit down and turn on the computer. I check my email. I read the newspaper. I check out what's happening on Facebook. I delay some more. I sit and talk to my boyfriend. I finally graduate to putting on the rest of my workout clothes, even going so far as to put on the socks and shoes. But then I sit in my recliner and postpone even further. Talk some more with my boyfriend, play with my cat, and generally lounge around. I finally drag myself onto the treadmill with a heavy heart and drudgingly start walking. And miraculously after about five minutes I feel great and I think, why did I wait so long to get started??!! I could have felt this rush of positivity and well-being ninety minutes sooner!! What a dummy!! And them I remember, this is no miracle. I feel this rush of happiness almost every day. I will admit there is the occasional day that I don’t experience it, but it is a definite majority of days that I do. So why do I so frequently dawdle and wait and postpone my exercising? One of the mysteries of life.

Now that I have pondered this subject, I realize there is yet another reason for not procrastinating ~ many times what I am dreading turns out to be something unexpected. Not only is it not utterly unpleasant, I may actually find I am enjoying myself and shame on me for not getting started sooner.

Rules

Rules. Rules are everywhere. I have lived my life a prisoner to rules. Some rules I agree with wholeheartedly. Most laws for instance. There is a reason most laws are in place – generally to keep people, animals, the environment from harm and pain. The rest of the rules, these rules that reside inside my head and govern my thoughts, my emotions, my life – where did they come from? I can't always answer this question. Some are religious rules, others are rules instilled by family and other authority figures from my childhood, others still from my career life. Some I am not aware of yet. Nevertheless the rules are there, potentially making me anxious, angry, guilty, fearful. Sometimes I am even fearful of someone else getting caught breaking some arbitrary rule that lives in my head. What an exhausting way to navigate life, always worried that I will break a rule and "be in trouble".

As I have begun to take an in depth look at my complex, interwoven system of rules, I realize that not all the rules I live with make sense in my current life. Maybe they filled a need in childhood or some other situation, but that need no longer exists. When I obstinately hold on to these rules I create anxiety and stress for myself, and I certainly don't need any help with that. I am working on being more aware of what ingrained rules I carry with me. The first step for me is awareness. Some of them are so old, so automatic that I don't even realize they are there. They aren't a "rule" to my mind. They are REALITY. I am learning to slow down and really think about my reactions, why I feel or think a certain way about something. Maybe it isn't actually REALITY. Maybe there is another way, a healthier and happier way. Is my automatic thought or feeling a snap reaction to a long-held and never-challenged rule, or is it a true reflection of what I think and feel? If it is an ingrained rule, does it serve me well? Does it uphold my values? Does it spare myself and others pain? If the answer is mostly yes, then the rule probably works for me. If the answer is no, why am I holding on so tightly to a belief that is most likely not only useless, but a hindrance to me? If the answer is I don’t know, then that is a rule I can take my time with and consider further.

In addition, whenever possible I am trying to take into consideration the source, where the rule originated. Is this a source, a person or an institution, I respect? Do I find the source reliable, intelligent, fair, consistent with my values? If the rule comes from a source that I have no respect for, then I have no requirements to internalize that rule. Of course I can choose to follow a rule if it fits me and my value system on it's own merit, regardless of the source. It's a balancing act. However, I am no longer going to blindly assimilate rules simply because someone says "this is a rule and you must follow it". If I do not respect the source, and the rule is not useful to me, I am not required to mindlessly obey. This is especially true in instances where I may have to show outward signs of obeying a rule in certain limited situations, but I need not internalize the rule and apply it to my life in general.

What it ultimately should come down to is this: what works for ME? What do I believe? How will I choose to live? Who am I and what do I believe? As an adult, I have the right to decide who I am, what I believe, how I will live. And I deserve to make these decisions independently, for myself rather than structuring my world on someone else's concept of what I should do, say, be. I am my own person. I am a valuable employee. I am a great friend. I am a beautiful person. I deserve to be happy. I no longer need an over abundance of rules to make sure I am toeing the line.

Exercise ~ Week Eleven

In two days, I will have completed eleven weeks of continuous daily exercise. I have still not missed a single day. That fact in itself motivates me every single day. I love being able to say “I haven’t missed a day in eleven weeks”. I never want today to be the day I ruin it. So on the treadmill I go and do my thirty minutes or my forty-five minutes or my hour. I haven’t progressed to doing an hour very often, at least not yet. Forty-five is my standard. On days that I have time and I feel really good, I do an hour. On days that I am feeling slow and achy, I do thirty. For a week I did some yoga to start strengthening my abs and my back, but I hurt myself a bit working in the yard so I’ve had to stop doing those exercises for awhile. It’s a bummer, because it did really feel like my abs were getting a great workout. I’ll get back to it when my body heals. In addition, I’d really like to add in some Wii Fit time at least once a week, maybe twice and also once a week or so do something a bit challenging like hiking or a bit of jogging. I just want to push the level up a little once in awhile to start building up my endurance and strength. I want to do some different things so I’m not always working all the exact same muscles, to work different muscles than those that get worked on the treadmill. I want to mix it up so that, for instance, the next time I work in the yard I’m not sore for five days afterwards. I am surprised to be this sore since I have been working out. Obviously I don’t use my currently sore muscles when I walk. And it seems to be taking an inordinate amount of time to heal. Very irritating.