Long Time, No Blog

Dang. It’s been like three months. Sheesh. I can’t believe I’m such a slacker.

Really. I did intend to be a better blogger this year. Honest. And I still intend to be. Obviously I need to work on that a bit.

So much has happened in the last three months!! Where to even start?? I guess the obvious place to start would be . . . MY NEW JOB!!! I can’t believe I finally got a new job. And it’s the Best. Job. EVER. I am so LUCKY. I like what I do, and I love the people in my office, and everyone there has been so, so nice to me. There is so much to learn and I am so excited about that. I am planning on taking some classes at the college this fall . . . . Medical Terminology and Medical Coding.

I feel so much more relaxed now. I sleep better. I don’t have as many disturbing dreams (more on that in a later post). I am not as cranky. I have more energy. I feel more social. I feel like I am smiling more. I can’t believe how much different I feel. I knew I would feel better, but this is more, way more, than I ever expected.

In a week, I will have been at my new job for a month. A whole month!! I can’t believe how fast that went. Time goes so much quicker when I am not miserable all the time.

I am having so much more fun!! I feel hopeful again, like things are just going to keep getting better. It seems like I went through so many months (ok, maybe years) of rough times that it’s hard to believe it’s finally turning around. Hard to let it in. But it feels like everything is moving in a more positive direction and I feel strong and relaxed and happy and excited. It’s such an incredible relief, such a weight off my mind. I didn’t realize how really bad it had become until now, didn’t realize how very much it was affecting everything . . . my sanity, my health, my happiness, my desire to interact with people, my relationships, my desire and ability to grow. Every. Thing.

I know this is a short post. I feel like I should be writing a big, long post to make up for all the weeks I have slacked off. But this is better than nothing and hopefully it will kickstart me!

Slow Down

Slow down. Find something enjoyable in everything I do. I can’t get back time, so make the most of each moment.

Today I weeded in my front yard. I tried to be aware of what I was doing, not let my mind wander away and do it’s usual bit of worrying, planning, list making. Instead, I focused on being present, being in the moment. Noticing my breath. Feeling the earth. Seeing my progress. Enjoying good music, fresh air, sun on my skin, a sense of accomplishment, sore muscles, how much nicer the yard looked when I finished. I worked on not doing what I usually do, which is constantly think about how long it’s taking, how I wish I was done, what I need to do when I am finished, what I would rather be doing. Right now, this moment, is my life. Don’t squander it. Be still, quiet my mind, notice the smell of the air, the blue of the sky, the texture of the dirt, the beauty of a ladybug, the peace of solitude.

I think everything I do has some positive aspect, something about I can find to enjoy. It’s easier with some things than others, obviously. And I won’t be perfect at it. Some days I will be more able than others to see the good. Some things take more effort to recognize. But I think it’s worth it to search for the positive, find the thing that makes whatever task I am working on enjoyable. It makes life more pleasant and peaceful, makes me feel more content and happy. Less resentful and frustrated. I’ll be more likely to get around to those tasks I normally procrastinate doing because I dread doing them. Wouldn’t my energy and time and thoughts be much better spent accomplishing my task joyfully rather than constantly worrying about how I'm not getting it done, dreading doing it, and berating myself for another day passing without getting it done?

Slow down. Take a deep breath. Don’t rush through everything. If I rush through everything, life will pass me by and I won’t have any memories. Take my time and notice what I am doing, how I am feeling, my environment, my thoughts. Don’t get so caught up in the big picture (how MANY weeds there are to be pulled). Focus attention on the little bit of soil I am working on now. One step at a time. Fully appreciate every moment I have, because time passes and I can’t ever get those moments back.

Before . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . After

Forgiveness

I am not good at forgiving. I’m just going to put that out there. I don’t think I’ve ever been good at it. I’ve been a grudge holder for as long as I can remember. Usually, once the line has been crossed, there is no turning back. When I’m done, I’m done. This is true for all relationships. Friends, family, work, boyfriends. Even myself.

I am looking at my thoughts and feelings on forgiveness and trying to put them into words. Understand them and describe them. Why do I hold grudges? Is it emotionally based? Is it intellectually based? Why is it so hard for me to forgive? What do I hope to accomplish by not forgiving? What’s in it for me? Because, as we all know, the only person I am really hurting when I am unforgiving is me. Do I really comprehend how much energy and time and power I spend, waste, give away? Intellectually I think I do. Emotionally, not so much. I think I believe that forgiveness needs to be deserved. Some things are just too bad, wrong, hurtful to deserve forgiveness. That to forgive is weak. That it is the easy way out, to give in and avoid conflict, avoid the inevitable confrontation that will arise when I stand up for myself and/or my beliefs and say enough is enough.

I have written before about my black and white thinking. I believe that factors in with forgiveness. Let’s use an example: When I meet a person, I hang back a bit and watch. If I like them, they get a label of Good. If not, then usually Bad. Some people I am just not interested in and they don't make either list at all. If they make the Good list, I put up with A LOT of bad behavior before they are moved to the Bad list. Once they hit the Bad list I usually hate them because by then they have hurt me quite a lot. A girlfriend I’ll call Jane landed on the Good list. I stayed friends with her for about two and a half years. Because she was on the Good list, I ignored things that didn't mesh with that label, like inappropriate clothing and behavior, suspicions about her relationship with a guy I had liked, possible lying, taking advantage of people and situations. Even when people (like my best friend) pointed out some of Jane's less attractive qualities, I still managed to gloss over them. She was on the Good list for heaven's sake. I wasn't (and wouldn't be now, at least not yet) capable of acknowledging negative traits in people who are on my Good list, so I found it easier to "not notice" them. Eventually something happened that I couldn't ignore. I started to notice things about her. Her immaturity, her selfishness, her self-absorption. And the lying and the inappropriate clothing that my best friend had tried to point out became more obvious. One too many things happened, and I snapped. She quickly shifted to the Bad list. Once that happened, I could hardly stand to be around her. By the time she had moved to the Bad list, she had said and done so many things to hurt me and disappoint me that I really hated her. And I haven't forgotten.

In this case, I let too much happen, too much bad feeling build up. Now forgiveness seems weak, inappropriate, and impossible. It would seem stupid when I know what kind of person she is. I would go in with eyes wide open, knowing things I didn’t know or refused to see the first time around. She has already proven, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that she is not a trustworthy person or a reliable friend. When she hurt me again, as I know she would, it would be no one’s fault by my own because I forgave her. Why would I want to forgive her? Why does she deserve to be forgiven? And why would I want her in my life?

When I am feeling unforgiving towards someone, I have generally been through a lot of hurt and disillusionment. I have put up with either a lot of bad behavior over a long period of time, or one hugely wrong event that was alone enough to cross the line. Part of me is still a little girl. I want the person to realize the enormity of what they have done and be sorry. Not just apologize, but truly be sorry and truly feel bad. I want them to miss me and wish they were still a part of my life. I want them to realize what a great person/friend/girlfriend I really am and realize what they lost. I want life to be fair. I want people to be nice to each other.

Maybe being unforgiving is a defense mechanism for me, a way to protect myself against known dangers. How can I retain this protection while letting go of the hurt?

Friday . . . Finally

I made it through Friday. Yay!! My second and final work seminar at the college is over. I’m kind of sad about that. I really enjoyed it and it made me remember why I love going to school so much. Especially when I have a good teacher like Steve. When we got back to the office I was talking with one of my co-workers, Rachel, that was also in the seminar. She has a Bachelor’s degree in Business and we were talking about the kinds of classes she had to take and how similar they are to what we did this morning. She had to do the same kinds of exercises and fill out lots of personality profiles as part of her classes and I thought, wow how similar that is to some of the classes I took for my degree in Psychology. I think a degree in Business would complement my Psychology degree really well and be useful in the future. So I’m thinking about maybe going back to college and getting my Bachelor’s degree in Business. I noticed a flyer up in the hallway of the building where our seminar was held that said something about getting a Bachelor’s in Business Management without leaving town. Too bad I didn’t look more carefully at it. I’ll search online and if I can’t find anything, I will just go back up to the college and look at the flyer again. Hopefully it will still be on that same bulletin board!! I can take my camera with me and take some pictures. They are in the process of building a new Library and Student Center complex so I can take some photos of that as well as some general shots of campus.

I’m really tired tonight and so glad it’s the weekend. But I was thinking back to last Friday afternoon, after our first seminar, and realizing that I feel SO MUCH better than I did then. I guess that means I am getting better. Which is good. I think if I take it easy and rest this weekend I should pretty much be back to normal. I can start back up with my treadmill that I’ve been neglecting the past week. Ed and I went out to dinner tonight at Club Calpella. It’s one of my favorite restaurants and they have the best Chef Salad there. One of my friends at work had a salad for lunch which got me thinking about The Club so I mentioned it to Ed when I got home. He said that it sounded good to him too so we went. We both had deep fried mushrooms as an appetizer. I had the Chef Salad and he had hamburger steak filled with cheese and topped with sautéed mushrooms. We both ate too much but it was soooo good. Yum!

Thursday Randomness

Thank goodness it's almost Friday. I love Thursday nights because Vampire Diaries is on. Ed and I watched the new episode and it was a good one – I think it sets up a new, interesting story line. Tomorrow I will spend the first half of my work day at the college attending a seminar on teamwork and communication with the rest of the Admin division employees. This is our second and final session. Last Friday morning we attended the first session. It was good information and I love school. As an added bonus, our teacher is someone I've taken several classes from in the past and he's a great teacher. It was nice to see him again.

This Sunday is the SuperBowl. We don't have TV service, but I'm hoping we'll be able to pick it up on our antenna. I'm not much of a football fan, but I do enjoy the commercials and the halftime show. This year The Black Eyed Peas will be performing at halftime, and Ed really likes them a lot. I might get some chips and dip and other munchy things and we can be couch potatoes and watch the big game. I usually root for the team with the best uniforms.

I'm looking forward to the weekend when I can sleep in and relax. I haven't been feeling very well the past week. I've had a little fever and it really zaps my energy. I'm hoping if I take it easy this weekend, I will be able to kick whatever I've got and feel back to normal by Monday. The weather has been so nice here that I feel like I'm wasting good days not feeling well. I want to get out and take some pictures, go for a walk, play some Frisbee golf, hike, or just sit out in the warm sunshine. I've been thinking about all my friends and family back east that are being hit with the blizzard and hoping they are all safe and warm.

Poison and Power

I started this entry on December 11, 2010 but got stuck and couldn't finish it. I didn't like how it sounded and some of the concepts were just not coming out right. I came back to it today and am a bit shocked at how much transformation has happened for me in the past six weeks. Now it feels ready. Yay for me!

I find it amazing how much poison one person can spread. How one single, solitary person can be so poisonous, infecting everything they come in contact with. Just that one person can take a perfectly contented, smooth situation and tear it apart. A situation with lots of people involved, a variety of personalities and behavior patterns who have historically interacted exceptionally well. Each person brought their own strengths and added to group, which made the group better and stronger than any one person alone would be. Add poison. Instantaneous mess and chaos. Suddenly no one is happy, everyone is suspicious of everyone else, people are lashing out at each other, no one will reach their potential or be productive or sane. Each person is working alone, and the team dynamic has been killed. This person could be a family member, a neighbor, an in-law, a co-worker, the significant other of your best friend. A person you can’t just choose to quit being around. Someone you are forced to spend time with. Good manners or some other equally annoying set of circumstances requires you to put up with shockingly atrocious behavior in an attempt to avoid A) losing your best friend, your job, or your spouse, B) a major family rift, or C) a feud with your neighbor. Whatever the reason, you can’t simply stand up for yourself and plainly say what is on your mind. Mainly that you think this person is a complete jerk and that you fervently wish you had never met them.

Even more surprising is how much such a poisonous person can seem to truly feel joy from infecting everyone that crosses their path. How can you get along with someone who enjoys such a thing? No matter how hard you might try, how nice you are, how perfect you act, how much you strive to behave what the way you think they want, how much you try to stay away from them, resistance is futile. If someone enjoys spreading their poison they will always find some way, some justification for their stunningly inappropriate and unacceptable behavior.

Lucky me, I am dealing with just such a person. Let’s assume this person is male, and call him Phil. Phil is a constant source of anger, stress, trampled feelings, frustration, resentment, crushed pride, misery, and overall distress. Phil has infected a part of my life that was once a wonderful thing. A place I felt accepted, useful, wanted, needed, trusted, competent. I look back now and realize how much I took that environment for granted. Such a shame that I didn’t appreciate it more, acknowledge and thank the people who made it be what it was. I was young and had no real sense of how lucky I was to be a part of it. Phil has taken all of those things away from me. And Phil simply seems to enjoy having the power to do so. Phil loves getting a rise, a reaction, seeing his negative affect on others. I can see it dancing in his eyes and lighting up his face. He adores his power. I am sickened by Phil's love for infecting others, by the joy he derives from exerting his negative influence however and whenever he can and then watching the disastrous effect he inflicts unfold. He lies, accuses, shifts blame, persecutes, spreads discord and animosity, belittles and patronizes, all in an effort to defeat the spirit of anyone he can.

Phil expects the worst, assumes the worst, and therefore sees only the worst. He is blind to any other possible explanation for behavior. Phil abandons any and all common sense in his dealings with others. He wants to see the worst, or fabricate the worst, so that he can wield his authority and make those around him suffer his poisonous wrath. Maybe he has been filled with poison for so long he can't fathom anyone being purely nice, kind, honest, and good. Maybe he is so rotten inside from his poison that he can't imagine others have the best intentions at heart ninety-nine percent of the time. It just doesn't occur to him that truly good people exist. He assumes everyone else is as poisonous as he is. He sees everyone as an adversary, an enemy that he must squash quickly, before they have a chance to squash him. And with the authority and power he has managed to gain, he has the ability to squash many people, often, and seemingly without consequences.

Why is poison infecting my life? Why has Phil crossed my path? Why now? Since there is nothing, at the moment anyway, that I can do about the situation it is time for me to use the ongoing experience as a growth opportunity, a learning experience. I believe there is much to be learned from Phil and my relationship with him. Through disengaging and observation, I have learned how not to act, how not to treat others, how it feels to be treated without respect. Through analyzing my reactions, I now comprehend how people can literally go crazy when they are stuck in a situation of constant harassment and oppression, verbal and emotional abuse, and complete lack of control or freedom. How a normally sane, kind, easygoing person can turn into the complete opposite, someone who says and does and thinks and wishes crazy, unpredictable, unkind things completely out of character for their normal personality. Becomes a person they are ashamed of being. I am also learning how to stand up for myself in a non-aggressive manner. I am starting to grow some balls. This has been difficult for me as I usually attempt to completely avoid conflict and normally don’t speak up and defend myself when I should. It has also been difficult because it has been a long hard road for me to realize that it's not really personal. Yes, his poison is directed at me some of the time, but it is also directed at anyone else within reach. I have felt personally attacked, bad-mouthed and ripped to shreds, falsely and unfairly viewed as unworthy and unimportant. But I am starting to realize that all of this is his issue and not mine. There is no need for me to take it personally. There is no need for me to live in fear. And those are a very powerful realizations. Powerful. Now who has the power?

Surreal

Today I made it out of my bedroom. In fact, I made it out of the house. But it feels wrong. I don't want to drive in the car with the sunroof open and the windows down, even though it is a truly gorgeous day. I don’t want to go outside to do my walks. I just want to sit at my desk, hide in my corner, and focus on my work. The beautiful blue sky, the sunshiny, springy feel in the air seem wrong to me. It should be dark and cloudy like I feel. I would feel less out of place on a stormy day, because that’s how my head and heart feel . . . stormy, gloomy. If I go outside in the fresh, crisp, sparkly, spring-like weather, I feel like I should be happy and smiling and full of energy. It only serves to make my gloomy mood stand out even more, at least to me. So I skip my walk, which in retrospect was probably a terrible idea. I very likely desperately needed the mood boost.

Everything feels surreal. I feel fragile and fake and dreamlike at break and lunch as I try to engage in normal conversation. No matter how hard I try, I feel awkward. I feel separated from myself, looking in, wondering if my friends think I am acting strange or notice that I am different. I skip my afternoon break altogether because I feel safer, more comfortable being in my cubicle. So I sit at my desk and focus on my work which helps tune out the feelings. But I feel like I'm in a bubble, like my mind is floating in lukewarm, murky water. I am not functioning on all cylinders. I know part of this is because I am trying so hard to keep the thoughts out until I can go home and let my guard down. I am blocking out part of my mind. I feel like I have to to make it through the day. I really need more time to just "be", just be alone with my feelings and thoughts and memories, to work through them.

I hope that I won't be so good at blocking out the feelings that I revert into denial. I don't want to do that. Sometimes that feels like the easy way out. But in the long run that will only make things more difficult. I know the longer I hold on, the worse it will get and the harder it will be to work through. I need to learn how to balance the living of life with my need to work through the difficult memories and feelings. I need to learn how to deal with these memories and feelings without it debilitating me, incapacitating me. I want to work through this now, however messy and painful and lonely and bleak it may be. Because that is the only way to truly put it behind me. I want to leave this in the past, leave behind the regret and the pain and move on into a sunny, happy future. I'm tired of hurting, of holding on to the resentment and anger. It's not hurting anyone but me.