Happy 40th Gerry!!

Gerry M. Tate:  October 12, 1974 ~ March 9, 1997

I remember that surreal March in 1997 when I got the news that you had passed away.  You were 22 years old and I was stunned speechless.  You had so much life ahead of you.  I have often wondered over the years what your life would have been like had you lived.  Today you would have turned 40 and I find that I have been thinking a lot lately about the what-ifs.  What if you hadn't died?  What if you were still alive out there somewhere?  Would you be married?  Have children?  A dog and/or cat?  Where would you live? Where would you work and what kind of work would you be doing? Would you have finished college? Would we be friends, have kept in touch or maybe reconnected through Facebook as I have with so many other cherished friends? Would you have had the opportunity to travel, to experience all the things that I know you wanted but hadn't yet at 22?  Now that you would be 40 I find myself reflecting on our time together and feeling sad again that there is so much you did not have the chance to see, songs you've never heard, dances you've never perfected, so many things I wish you hadn't missed. Now that you would be turning 40 I realize you have been gone almost as long as you were here with us.  I have often felt that it was such a shame for you to lose out on all the opportunities because I remember you loving to try everything.  Fearless.  Which was something I was most definitely not at that age - if I'm honest I'm still not, although I think I've relaxed some with age.  I was so envious of your ability and desire to try anything and everyting without reservation or anxiety.  You just jumped right in, confident that you could handle it.  I am sad that there are so many things you never go to do or experience, see or hear or touch.  It seems almost unfair for me to have been given the gift of continued life when I have spent so much of my life afraid to try things, of failure or physical injury, when your years were stolen away.  It was devastating and something I realize now I will never "get over".  I will heal in a way and move on, but I will always miss you, always be sad when I think of you, always wish things had turned out differently.  And I'll probably always have that same demanding question floating to the front of mind from time to time - WHY?!

All these years and I still dream about him.  I see him somewhere and I nearly go straight to my knees because I realize he's actually still ALIVE.  All these years, all this time I have suffered and he's actually still alive!  And I can see him, talk to him, touch him, hear him, smell him.  He is so REAL.  And while I may be crying, I feel calm and whole for a moment, understanding that he is, in fact, out there somewhere still enjoying life.  And then I wake up.  As I rise into consciousness I fight the fading happiness because I am slowly coming to the realization that this was all just a dream.  He is gone again.  Still.  He really is gone.  Sometimes I can't believe he's gone, like it just happened yesterday.  And then I can't believe it's been so many years he's been gone and I am still dreaming about him.  I used to get really upset, angry even, wishing the dreams would stop because it would hurt so badly to have to go through waking up, the dawning realization for the thousandth time that yes, he truly is gone.  Now I at least feel a little bit of relief. Even though the dreams and eventual waking leave me feeling like he's left us all over again, at least I get to see him, talk to him, touch him, smell him, bask in his presence.  If I'm lucky I get to hold his hand or be the recipient of one of his world class hugs. At least I still have that.  Even if it means I cry a little (or a lot, depends on the day) after I wake.  Now that I am almost 40 too, I can appreciate a little pain if it means I get a few minutes with him once in a while.  Even if he is a figment of my very active imagination, I don't give a dang.  It feels real in that moment and I am choosing to relish that feeling.

Gerry, you have been gone for 18 long years.  That is so much life, love, and laughter to miss.  And I still miss you.   On this day of your birth, I am making a conscious effort to focus on all my happy memories - how it felt to hug you and hold your hand, how you smelled, watching you dance and especially dancing with you, listening to you sing, watching you draw, summers with you at my grandma's house, celebrations with my family that sometimes included the men wearing bows on the head (and I have the pics to prove it), the scary yet exhilarating experience of being a passenger in your car, holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, vacations, Disneyland, the Ukiah fair.

Happy 40th Gerry.  I wish you were here to celebrate with us and make some more happy memories.

I ♥ Orange Roses!

I absolutely adore orange roses!!  My first tattoo, at the age of 16, was of an orange rose on the outside of my left ankle.  I was recently searching for pictures of orange and red roses and I found this awesome article on orange roses at ProFlowers.com.

History and Meaning of Orange Roses
by Samantha Green

Primary Significance: Desire, Enthusiasm and Passion

Orange roses have emerged as one of the true stand-outs among today's popular rose varieties. The fiery color of an orange rose immediately conjures up passionate thoughts of romance. They can also be reminiscent of the warmth of a glowing sunset, or the sweetness of citrus. Orange roses come in a range of shades, from bright orange to softer coral and peach colors. Since the introduction of the orange rose into the world of roses, they have quickly found their place in the hearts and imaginations of rose aficionados everywhere.

Near the turn of the 20th century, rose cultivators began to produce orange roses, thanks to the recent discovery of wild yellow roses, and the spread of advanced hybridization techniques. As these early experiments to produce orange roses yielded positive results, rose enthusiasts found themselves with a new layer to add to the increasingly rich tapestry of rose meanings.

The orange rose has mainly come to be regarded as the symbol for desire, enthusiasm and passion. Being a literal mixture of the colors yellow and red, orange roses were often seen as a bridge between the feelings of friendship symbolized by yellow roses, and love associated with red roses. Giving a bouquet of orange roses could be a sign of emerging romantic feelings and the desire to move a relationship beyond the stage of friendship. In addition, they can be an expression of fascination, or a gift to say "I'm proud of you." Orange roses have also become popular as a Halloween flower. 

The association of orange roses with romantic expressions is fitting, considering the obvious connection between the color of fire and the metaphors we associate with it. The orange rose has become the perfect way to symbolize the heat of passion, burning desire and the flames of love. Orange roses have a power to send a message of romance that can rival even the red rose!

In the relatively short time the orange roses have been on the scene, they have had quite an impact. From those who simply enjoy the warming color, to those who wish to convey that special meaning, the orange rose has become a mainstay in the family of roses. They can have the soft radiance of an autumn sunset which warms and soothes the spirit. At the same time, orange roses can have an intensity that can consume hearts and souls, much like the fire that we associate them with. Whatever their purpose, a bouquet of orange roses is sure to heat things up!

   

Back to Rose Guide: History and Meaning of Roses and their Colors.

Photos . . .

We’ve had a printer/scanner for awhile now and I have been meaning to take the time to learn how to use the scanner function. I have lots of pictures that I would like to have digital copies of, for a variety of reasons. Last night I sat down with the intent of playing around with a handful of pictures and ended up scanning until 3am. I only stopped because I was hurting all over and falling asleep on the job.

I think it’s safe to say that I’m addicted to scanning photos. It’s going to be a problem. Because I have a LOT of old photos. And this is fun. I may never sleep again. Ever.

I spent this morning trying to organize my photos so I can continue scanning. I need to get a handle on what I have so I can start mentally organizing and planning how I will go about getting everything labeled and filed. Man it was fun going through all those old photos! The family!! The friends!! The clothes!! The hair!! The good times!!

As I was sitting in the middle of a dozen piles of photos this morning, I was remembering getting my first digital camera for my birthday in 2005. At the time, I was SO not ready to make the change. I’m not sure why now, but I just wasn’t ready to stop getting prints and start relying on memory cards. Oh how I wish now that I had made the change years sooner!!

It’s ridiculous, really, how many photos I have. Albums, and boxes, and ziplock baggies full of them. They take up so much room. It’s a daunting task, scanning them all. One I wish I would have taken up in the winter, when there was less to do. I guess it will be something I can work on when the days are 100 degree plus and I can’t stand to go outside.

But I’m having fun with it. I’m loving all the memories that are attached to this photo or that photo, remembering my favorite dress or toy or best friend or event that I haven’t thought about in years. I look forward to having everything in the computer so I can actually FIND that picture of that dress or that friend or that event when I want to find it, instead of thinking hmmmm I know I have a picture of that somewhere . . . .

I’m also looking forward to passing the prints on to others who might have a use for them, and I hope will enjoy them as much I have. As a bonus: it will be SO NICE to have all the extra space once all the prints are passed on : )

Long Time, No Blog

Dang. It’s been like three months. Sheesh. I can’t believe I’m such a slacker.

Really. I did intend to be a better blogger this year. Honest. And I still intend to be. Obviously I need to work on that a bit.

So much has happened in the last three months!! Where to even start?? I guess the obvious place to start would be . . . MY NEW JOB!!! I can’t believe I finally got a new job. And it’s the Best. Job. EVER. I am so LUCKY. I like what I do, and I love the people in my office, and everyone there has been so, so nice to me. There is so much to learn and I am so excited about that. I am planning on taking some classes at the college this fall . . . . Medical Terminology and Medical Coding.

I feel so much more relaxed now. I sleep better. I don’t have as many disturbing dreams (more on that in a later post). I am not as cranky. I have more energy. I feel more social. I feel like I am smiling more. I can’t believe how much different I feel. I knew I would feel better, but this is more, way more, than I ever expected.

In a week, I will have been at my new job for a month. A whole month!! I can’t believe how fast that went. Time goes so much quicker when I am not miserable all the time.

I am having so much more fun!! I feel hopeful again, like things are just going to keep getting better. It seems like I went through so many months (ok, maybe years) of rough times that it’s hard to believe it’s finally turning around. Hard to let it in. But it feels like everything is moving in a more positive direction and I feel strong and relaxed and happy and excited. It’s such an incredible relief, such a weight off my mind. I didn’t realize how really bad it had become until now, didn’t realize how very much it was affecting everything . . . my sanity, my health, my happiness, my desire to interact with people, my relationships, my desire and ability to grow. Every. Thing.

I know this is a short post. I feel like I should be writing a big, long post to make up for all the weeks I have slacked off. But this is better than nothing and hopefully it will kickstart me!

Slow Down

Slow down. Find something enjoyable in everything I do. I can’t get back time, so make the most of each moment.

Today I weeded in my front yard. I tried to be aware of what I was doing, not let my mind wander away and do it’s usual bit of worrying, planning, list making. Instead, I focused on being present, being in the moment. Noticing my breath. Feeling the earth. Seeing my progress. Enjoying good music, fresh air, sun on my skin, a sense of accomplishment, sore muscles, how much nicer the yard looked when I finished. I worked on not doing what I usually do, which is constantly think about how long it’s taking, how I wish I was done, what I need to do when I am finished, what I would rather be doing. Right now, this moment, is my life. Don’t squander it. Be still, quiet my mind, notice the smell of the air, the blue of the sky, the texture of the dirt, the beauty of a ladybug, the peace of solitude.

I think everything I do has some positive aspect, something about I can find to enjoy. It’s easier with some things than others, obviously. And I won’t be perfect at it. Some days I will be more able than others to see the good. Some things take more effort to recognize. But I think it’s worth it to search for the positive, find the thing that makes whatever task I am working on enjoyable. It makes life more pleasant and peaceful, makes me feel more content and happy. Less resentful and frustrated. I’ll be more likely to get around to those tasks I normally procrastinate doing because I dread doing them. Wouldn’t my energy and time and thoughts be much better spent accomplishing my task joyfully rather than constantly worrying about how I'm not getting it done, dreading doing it, and berating myself for another day passing without getting it done?

Slow down. Take a deep breath. Don’t rush through everything. If I rush through everything, life will pass me by and I won’t have any memories. Take my time and notice what I am doing, how I am feeling, my environment, my thoughts. Don’t get so caught up in the big picture (how MANY weeds there are to be pulled). Focus attention on the little bit of soil I am working on now. One step at a time. Fully appreciate every moment I have, because time passes and I can’t ever get those moments back.

Before . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . After

Forgiveness

I am not good at forgiving. I’m just going to put that out there. I don’t think I’ve ever been good at it. I’ve been a grudge holder for as long as I can remember. Usually, once the line has been crossed, there is no turning back. When I’m done, I’m done. This is true for all relationships. Friends, family, work, boyfriends. Even myself.

I am looking at my thoughts and feelings on forgiveness and trying to put them into words. Understand them and describe them. Why do I hold grudges? Is it emotionally based? Is it intellectually based? Why is it so hard for me to forgive? What do I hope to accomplish by not forgiving? What’s in it for me? Because, as we all know, the only person I am really hurting when I am unforgiving is me. Do I really comprehend how much energy and time and power I spend, waste, give away? Intellectually I think I do. Emotionally, not so much. I think I believe that forgiveness needs to be deserved. Some things are just too bad, wrong, hurtful to deserve forgiveness. That to forgive is weak. That it is the easy way out, to give in and avoid conflict, avoid the inevitable confrontation that will arise when I stand up for myself and/or my beliefs and say enough is enough.

I have written before about my black and white thinking. I believe that factors in with forgiveness. Let’s use an example: When I meet a person, I hang back a bit and watch. If I like them, they get a label of Good. If not, then usually Bad. Some people I am just not interested in and they don't make either list at all. If they make the Good list, I put up with A LOT of bad behavior before they are moved to the Bad list. Once they hit the Bad list I usually hate them because by then they have hurt me quite a lot. A girlfriend I’ll call Jane landed on the Good list. I stayed friends with her for about two and a half years. Because she was on the Good list, I ignored things that didn't mesh with that label, like inappropriate clothing and behavior, suspicions about her relationship with a guy I had liked, possible lying, taking advantage of people and situations. Even when people (like my best friend) pointed out some of Jane's less attractive qualities, I still managed to gloss over them. She was on the Good list for heaven's sake. I wasn't (and wouldn't be now, at least not yet) capable of acknowledging negative traits in people who are on my Good list, so I found it easier to "not notice" them. Eventually something happened that I couldn't ignore. I started to notice things about her. Her immaturity, her selfishness, her self-absorption. And the lying and the inappropriate clothing that my best friend had tried to point out became more obvious. One too many things happened, and I snapped. She quickly shifted to the Bad list. Once that happened, I could hardly stand to be around her. By the time she had moved to the Bad list, she had said and done so many things to hurt me and disappoint me that I really hated her. And I haven't forgotten.

In this case, I let too much happen, too much bad feeling build up. Now forgiveness seems weak, inappropriate, and impossible. It would seem stupid when I know what kind of person she is. I would go in with eyes wide open, knowing things I didn’t know or refused to see the first time around. She has already proven, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that she is not a trustworthy person or a reliable friend. When she hurt me again, as I know she would, it would be no one’s fault by my own because I forgave her. Why would I want to forgive her? Why does she deserve to be forgiven? And why would I want her in my life?

When I am feeling unforgiving towards someone, I have generally been through a lot of hurt and disillusionment. I have put up with either a lot of bad behavior over a long period of time, or one hugely wrong event that was alone enough to cross the line. Part of me is still a little girl. I want the person to realize the enormity of what they have done and be sorry. Not just apologize, but truly be sorry and truly feel bad. I want them to miss me and wish they were still a part of my life. I want them to realize what a great person/friend/girlfriend I really am and realize what they lost. I want life to be fair. I want people to be nice to each other.

Maybe being unforgiving is a defense mechanism for me, a way to protect myself against known dangers. How can I retain this protection while letting go of the hurt?

Friday . . . Finally

I made it through Friday. Yay!! My second and final work seminar at the college is over. I’m kind of sad about that. I really enjoyed it and it made me remember why I love going to school so much. Especially when I have a good teacher like Steve. When we got back to the office I was talking with one of my co-workers, Rachel, that was also in the seminar. She has a Bachelor’s degree in Business and we were talking about the kinds of classes she had to take and how similar they are to what we did this morning. She had to do the same kinds of exercises and fill out lots of personality profiles as part of her classes and I thought, wow how similar that is to some of the classes I took for my degree in Psychology. I think a degree in Business would complement my Psychology degree really well and be useful in the future. So I’m thinking about maybe going back to college and getting my Bachelor’s degree in Business. I noticed a flyer up in the hallway of the building where our seminar was held that said something about getting a Bachelor’s in Business Management without leaving town. Too bad I didn’t look more carefully at it. I’ll search online and if I can’t find anything, I will just go back up to the college and look at the flyer again. Hopefully it will still be on that same bulletin board!! I can take my camera with me and take some pictures. They are in the process of building a new Library and Student Center complex so I can take some photos of that as well as some general shots of campus.

I’m really tired tonight and so glad it’s the weekend. But I was thinking back to last Friday afternoon, after our first seminar, and realizing that I feel SO MUCH better than I did then. I guess that means I am getting better. Which is good. I think if I take it easy and rest this weekend I should pretty much be back to normal. I can start back up with my treadmill that I’ve been neglecting the past week. Ed and I went out to dinner tonight at Club Calpella. It’s one of my favorite restaurants and they have the best Chef Salad there. One of my friends at work had a salad for lunch which got me thinking about The Club so I mentioned it to Ed when I got home. He said that it sounded good to him too so we went. We both had deep fried mushrooms as an appetizer. I had the Chef Salad and he had hamburger steak filled with cheese and topped with sautéed mushrooms. We both ate too much but it was soooo good. Yum!